Brave

 I feel exposed. Naked. Raw. As if the walls I've built for years are finally falling down. I feel vulnerable but this is a good kind of freedom.

I Miss You So Much It's A Physical Ache

My body belongs to you. You should know that by now.
Please take frequent and excessive advantage of it.
Mark every inch of my skin with your kiss.
I am a territory for you to explore.
Let your hands tread the aching grounds from my throat to between my thighs.
I will tell you how far you can go. Which is infinite.
You show me how deep you can be. Which is too much. And I want it.

I am your prisoner caught inside your embrace.
Pin me down harder and I will cling tighter unto you.
Defile me in a passionate way.
Take me the way you always do-- demanding, consuming, without holding back.
Go on. I can take it. I am strong like you.
I need this as much as you do. 

Between shallow breaths and trembling kisses, you would look at me.
In your eyes I could see raw desire,
fierce anticipation and vulnerability combined.
It's so intimate I feel helpless.
It's so beautiful it breaks my heart.
Take your fill, baby. I got you too.

You Make Me Vulnerable And I Like It

Since I was young, I already conditioned myself to not get too attached on anything. Even when I sleep, I only have one pillow. Some days I don't even have a pillow at all. I don't want any extra pillow or teddy bear to hug or wrap my legs on while I sleep. Sometimes I even kick my one pillow (and blanket) out of bed. That's how much I don't want anything near me.

And then you came. I never held anything so close to my chest but you. Sometimes you complain how I sort of push you away when you try to trail feather-like kisses on my lips. I'm sorry. I want to give myself to you but it's hard to break my walls all at once.

But you've been patient. We went slow all these years but remarkably progressive. I realize how naturally our bodies fit together. The safest, warmest, and happiest place is inside your embrace. It makes me alive to hear and feel your heartbeat. I want your arms, your chest, your shoulders, your neck. I never held anything or anyone so tight like I do to you. You're the only one I want to be with.

I Don't Miss You Anymore

I have a theory. I will feel better if I spill out my thoughts here right now.

So, for starters, I don't miss you anymore.

I don't miss you anymore. I'm sure of that. But I also have other thoughts. You. Me. In bed. My lipstick smeared on your shirt. My hair all over your chest. My hands under your shirt, roaming your body. My arms wrapped around your waist while I bury my face on your neck. My hands on your hair, grabbing them, pulling you closer. Us, kissing. Kiss me deep. please. Let me taste your mouth, your tongue, let me trace the outline of your lips. Kiss me hard. Kiss me till it hurts. Pull me closer. Hold me tight. Embrace me. Touch me. Taste me. Devour me. Unleash the demon in me because it belongs to you. It's yours. I'm yours. All of me, take me.

And after, let me wake up in your warm embrace. Kiss me gently on my forehead. Hold me and never let go.

I want to hold you but I don't want commitment. How do I reconcile this? Oh yes. I don't miss you anymore. I should not miss you.

Shine

They told me to find someone whose demons play well with mine.

No. I will find someone who will bring out the angel in me.

Dear Awkward Penguin,

                You always want to go to places and so do I so I wonder, if we're constantly moving how do we get to cross our path? You want to camp out and make s'mores and I like that too but I don't really mind being in bed whole day watching movies with a tub of ice cream and apple slices. You want to take the last bus going home but I don't really trust an empty bus but that won't be a problem because you won't mind sleeping on the terminal bench and as long as I have a good book with me and a cup of coffee I'd do the same. 

              I'm just glad that after all the clumsy things I did and the people I squeezed in to my tiny self, you still wendang2 me. And I'd like to give you an actual 'fox hat' but I'm reminded of how you repossessed the socks that were supposed to be mine so I have to exhaustively think it over. I want you to open up your heart and fall in love for real but that's funny because you actually already love a lot of things already. And what do I know about love? I mean, you have a big, big heart and there's room for more and I know that no matter how you deny it, I'm in there too. You can report this post as "harassing" now.

Chicken Fillet Thoughts

We are both dysfunctional right now. I don't know if it's a good idea that we are together. But at moments like this, it is someone like you who I truly need-- someone who can totally understand what I'm going through because you yourself is in the same exact disposition.

This is a sensitive time of my life right now. Forgive me if you think I am being too complicated. Even I do not know how to handle this. I only tell myself that I can do this, that this will pass, that things will be fine. I'll be okay. 

But for now, I am a mess though you tell me it does not show. Thank you for being there for me. I will work this out. I will settle this. It may take time but I'll be fine.

Welcome Back

Years apart and one of the first things he asked is if I believe in God. I looked at him and right then I realized he is my prayers come true. I said 'Yes'. He had always been in my prayers then. I thanked God everytime he was able to smile or laugh. I asked that he would always be healthy, that life would be gentle to him, that his dreams would come true, that wherever he is, I hope he is safe and happy. I prayed that he would always be humble, possess the wisdom he always had, and keep his heart gentle and just. Now he is standing in front of me and I know that all I asked then came true. 

But who am I kidding? We both know where my faith stands right now. I'm not there yet. Or maybe, I'm not there anymore.

Concealled

                  He said I'm walking without my head, walking without direction. And that I'm selfish and all I think about is my self. That I just take as I please and that I act as if I know everything. He said I need help but I'm too proud to ask for it.

               Well, you don't know me. You don't know my intentions, the things that are running in my head. Selfish? You don't know my sacrifices-- the things and people I gave up. You don't know what I truly want and the people I want to give all these. I've been a mess for a long time already but you never heard me complain. At my darkest days I never drag anyone down with me. I did try asking for help but I was told I was being weak, clumsy and dumb. I felt so alone for years but every time I reach out my hand,nobody was there to hold me so I taught myself to never pin my life to anybody and to always be the first one to leave. And here you are wanting to fix me as if you have figured me out already and now you will rescue me. You cannot just patch up my heart and revive it. It's not there anymore.

Let Me Touch You

I want beauty from the inside-- pure, glowing, and contagious. The kind that when I touch you, you'll feel beautiful too.

When You Love Each Other, It's Win-Win

Person: I do not aim to conquer, only to be unconquerable. To be the one who loves less or not at all. To exist as I always have. To do things as I always did. To emerge and carry on just as fine as when I started. To be understood a little, but never entirely, and never where it counts. To remain unreached, unchanged, and undisturbed--- only misimagined or misremembered. To be able to roll back after waking up one morning to an empty bed because some time in the night he just happened to change his mind, and, really, that’s okay. To not flinch at all when somebody mentions his name or when a tagged photo of him finds its way to my newsfeed or when I happen to catch a scent like his in a crowded department store. To calmly put down my cup and walk him to the door and say “Okay. Thanks. Bye.” and close it gently when he leaves so I can go back to the couch and unpause the television that’s probably rerunning a show that he probably hates anyway. To always have a packed suitcase under my study desk, and to always be in the position to choose which trip to book whenever I want and whatever the stakes may be. To never go out of my way for someone who doesn’t matter enough, because no one should matter that much in the first place. To give nothing that cannot be redeemed. To belong to nothing and to no one. To be completely myself.

Me:  I thought about it too and right then I knew that I can't be the one who loves less. I told you that unless it's mad, passionate love, it's a waste of my time. I demand so much and I intend to give as much or more. Easy come, easy go and it's okay. Always have a place to go but really, nowhere to stay. You give a part of yourself but not all, always holding back. It doesn't feel good holding back. And you thought you're so strong you move places, shut doors, and cut people just like that. But you always go back. I always go back. I can't explain it yet but there's that force, that certain surrender. Sometimes you have to lose yourself to know where you belong.

Things I will tell my younger self:

1.People break their promises. They don't always keep their word. So don't let your expectations high.
2.Don't compare yourself even if others will.
3.You are beautiful. 
4.Family is priority.
5.Laugh a lot.
6.You will fail sometimes. There's no shame in falling. It's an opportunity to do better.
7.It's okay to cry. In fact, you can cry in front of other people like maybe your friends and family.
8.It's okay to ask for help sometimes.
9.Remember who was there when you were at your darkest, at your lowest.
10.There is always hope.
11.Do not fall in love so easily. Don't just follow your heart. Lead it.
12.Have fun. Take the risks. But be wise. Be wiser, actually.
13.You don't owe anyone an explanation. Do what you want. It's your life, your masterpiece.

Beautiful Bastard Quotes

He needed to know the risk he was taking by
being associated with me.

I ran when the
going got tough, because I was so sure it was all going
to end badly. The only control I had was to be the one
who left, instead of the one who was left behind.

“Don’t worry
about me. I know I’ve been a mess lately, but I’ll get it
together."

Move

Maybe Freedom is a state of mind. Or maybe some place you go far from here. Maybe it's an escape two blocks and one closed door away. It's tolerance, harmony, and respect combined. It's when the people you care about, they know you for who you really are because it's okay for them when you show them. It's when they love what you do and love the ones you love too.

You are not the only who is scared right now. You are not the only one who is anxious of leaving home. There is comfort at home. No, not just the food, bed, and conveniene of everything. Here, it's safe. Here, you don't have to prove anything. Here, you don't have to try so hard. Here, you're free.

But we don't belong here. At least, not anymore. There is another world waiting for us out there. We cannot ignore that world. That is our reality. Not that we cannot do anything about it but we signed up for this one way or another. All this time, we worked for it, building it brick by brick. And there's no turning bak now. It demands that we finish what we started. It is waiting for us. When our goal learned that we are on our way towards it, it started running towards us.

Life will never be the same. We will never be the same. We may do things differently but we will do them. Things will get harder and we will become stronger. It may take time but we will get there.

So fasten up, big girl. Armour yourself. It's gonna be a battle out there. It won't be easy but you were made to survive. Persevere. Go on. Move on. Head high. Contain yourself. You are on your way into becoming a masterpiece.

Don't think about the people around you. You don't have to compete with anyone. Don't let them get you. I won't. You'll get there. One day at a time. One step at a time. One brick at a time. Do this for him. For them. And above all, for yourself. Play in your mind over and over again the kind of future you want. It's worth it. So, now, move.

Don't feel. I mean, don't get too emotional on almost anything. Don't waste your time over-thinking unnecessary things. You have a goal. You are capable. You are intelligent. You are worth it. You can make it. This time, it's yours. This time is yours.

You Can Let Go Now

"Sometimes, letting go is a good thing." This is what my friend said while watching Titanic. She was referring at the part where a couple just accepted the fact that they cannot survive the tragedy no matter what. They gave up trying and instead, they just held each other and faced together whatever will happen next.

Letting go is a good thing. I know that. I believe that. When you get to the point where you know it's not going anywhere anyway, you have to quit already. When he had said it so clearly that you are not the girl who will sweep him off his feet, and when you had told him that he is everything that you don't want in a man, then there's no point lingering to each other. You are each other's passing phase, an experiment among the many, a stepping stone to self-discovery and growth, and a friend in a relationship that only you two can define.

Yes, he's been in your life for a long time already. Through distance and time, you were able to sustain whatever relationship you have. But it's simple: you're either in or you're out. There's no in-between. You cannot invest emotionally. When you talk about your long-term plans, both of you are not in each other's future.

It was good while it last. Some really good thing happen in our life and  nobody else has to know. He's one of those good things. I know you did your part to stay away from him. There was also a time when you realized you cannot do it on your own, that you cannot let go on your own. But it wasn't enough. You needed to hear from him that he does not want you, that it's better for him to forget you, and that he wants you to go away. But you never heard him say these things. In fact, he always reaches out. And you were always too willing to accept him all the time. Well, you have to stop now. Do this for yourself. You don't deserve him. You don't deserve someone who will only be there for the "fun". You deserve someone who could actually imagine you growing old with him. You deserve someone who will be there for you forever. Someone who will take care of your heart and only your heart.

Mother Nature,

There's no point talking to you. You'll never understand. All you care about is winning every argument. Not everything is about you and your bullshit pride. For so long I wanted to tell you the places I've been, the people I've met, and the things I've been through. But you only want to hear good news. I'm not always good news. I make mistakes, I'm clumsy, I get scared, I get sick, I make plans but sometimes they fail. So, keep a picture-perfect of me in your mind. Constantly remind me how I should have been. Compare me to people who were able to make it. But that's not me.

I respect you. I have plans for you too. And I really want to show you what I really am but you're not ready for disappointments yet.

No Labels Please

Do you really need to put a label on everything? Can't it be just about two friends catching up? Do you really need to draw a line? Do I really need to cross that line?

You said we should rather forget each other because we are not each other's destiny anyway. Does it really have to be that way? Well, it is not the first time you said that. I truly hope that this time, you mean it. Forget about me then. Delete my number. Whatever makes you feel better, do it. I understand that sometimes, you just cannot  afford to keep someone who is, well, hurting you.

I'm sorry I put you through this. I've constantly put you through this for many years already. I did my part for you to not hate me much. But I guess, sometimes, there is no compromise. I am either in or I am out. You do not want to keep me if I am only to be a friend. Thank you for the years of friendship. I will always be  grateful to you for a lot of things. 

Take care, my friend. I hope your attempt to forget me would finally work this time.

Stronger

But when I walked into my bedroom and studied my reflection in the mirror on my closet door, I looked suddenly unfamiliar to myself. I stood straighter, blinked less, watched more. Even I could see there was some wisdom in my eyes that hadn't been there before.

Reverse LOve

love.

You can talk about love and all its forms. You can dissect love and talk about it in reverse. Yeah, I get it. You've been in relationships a lot of times already, you know how to produce "chemistry", you know what women look for in a guy, you know how to create relationships and then destroy them, you've been there. And you keep on saying you still want to be there. You inspire people to fall in love, to fall in love again, and to trust other people, to take the risk, to take the leap, to give love a chance.

But then, look at me.

I didn't noticed it but somehow, I became a reflection of you. When you're in the game for so long, you become a player too. This is how I knew that I don't want someone like you. I don't want something like the one we had. You are the reverse of what should be my ideal. I don't know yet what I want but I'm sure it's the opposite of whatever you are.

Do not blame me if I ended up with this kind of resolution. You know very well what we went through. I'm glad and thankful that after everything, we are still here. We're still friends. However, we should know better than to do undiscerned actions like going dumb again by trying to act more than friends. We tried that. It didn't work. And after all this time, it seems none of us truly desire to make the other significant.

So don't tell me to hold you. Don't make me stay. Don't ask me to kiss you. Don't kiss me too. This part is not for me. It's not for you. I mean, we both want a happy ending. Only you don't want it with me. And I think that for my part, it should not also be with you.

Love..

I will decide how I will remember you. I intended you to be a happy memory.

I cannot definitely define what Love is. Most of the time I do not even understand it. I convince myself that I am only here for equity like if you treat me good, I will do the same to you. Or maybe more. Love seems to be so huge like the universe that I cannot even begin to imagine where it begins and where it ends. It is impossibly vague and incomprehensible and I truly hate it when I cannot understand something. But this I know: Love is a beautiful thing.

Sometimes it is Love with the wrong person. Or love at the wrong time. Or it is the wrong kind of love at all. But what makes us think it is "love"? Or that there is love in it? It was love because in the process, or when you are with that person, in that certain moment of time, you were happy. Not just a superficial happiness but really, the kind of happiness that makes you feel that it is just you and that person and nothing else matters and  yet it seems that you are at the center of the universe and the heavens are conspiring to make you the most contented, satisfied and happy person. It seems like for the first time, everything makes sense. For the first time, somebody accepts you for who you are and who you are not, like somebody believes in you and respects you so much, like you feel safe in his arms or you feel extra possessive and protective of that fragile body next to you, and everything around you suddenly become more glorious and light. The stars are beautiful, the sunset is beautiful, the sound and the smell of the rain is beautiful, he/she is beautiful, everything is beautiful.

I don't know if this is love. But I am able to write this right now because well, Love.

The Guy In Love: Lover No More

This is for the wonderful guy in SC 4. You may or may not disclose his identity but we all know how he amuses the people in our circle. Or how our (me and him) seasonal conversation would amuse you, people. I just feel like I wanted to document it here because I know I would like to remember this forever.

They said guys are just simple creatures. Well, he is as simple as a guy could be. He is extremely down-to-earth. If he appreciates something, he says it. If he finds something repelling, he says it too. We are not really that close then but one day I started a conversation with him and that's how this all begun. He told me then that he had a girlfriend just recently. He willingly narrated to me how they met, how he courted her, and just how amazing the girl is. 


She is a very simple girl and I kind of expected that because like I said, he is a laid-back kind of guy. He added that the girl is a bit "boyish" and it gives him the impression that she is not weakly and overly sensitive like most girls are. That she looks really pretty even in just her t-shirt. That she is morena but he always prefer morena anyway. And that the girl is living and studying far away. 

She's My Perfect Girl


Him: So tell me. What should I do to make her happy?
Me: It's simple. Know what she likes and give it to her.
Him: What she likes? Like give her flowers?
Me: Maybe. But not every girl likes flowers. Know her interests. Tell me, what are the things she likes?
Him: She knows how to cook, she is still studying, she can play basketball..
Me: No, not just that. Not just the things she does but also the things she wants. Like me. I like to read. I love books. So, what is her kind of music? Does she prefer going outdoors or just watch movies in bed?
Him: I don't know.
Me: You don't know? Do you even know her favorite color? Or her birthday?
Him: I don't know about that too.
Me: Wow. That's sad. Things like that are usually important to girls.
Him: Do you want guys to know your favorite color and birthday?
Me: Not that I mind. I don't usually tell them upfront. I wait for them to ask. And it's very rare that somebody would ask. I mean, they're petty things. But if a guy cares to know small details like that, it's big deal.
Him: Right. I should ask her. So, generally, what do girls like?
Me: The usual stuff. Be loyal. Be sincere. Make her feel appreciated. Which reminds me, you're LDR right? 
Him: Yes.
Me: So, how do you cope up?
Him: What do you mean?
Me: Maybe you should text or call her often. A "good morning", "I love you", or "I miss you" message everyday would mean so much.
Him: I don't do that. She knows I love her anyway so why should I tell her about that all the time?
Me: You have to not just to remind her but to convince her that you do. You do not stop the chase when she said "yes". Otherwise, it'll be like you're just taking her for granted. Nobody wants to be taken for granted. 
Him: Wow. Girls are so demanding.
Me: It's not being demanding. It's us finding a "difference". I mean, with the things you said, I could infer that she
is a strong and independent woman, right?
Him: Yes, she is.
Me: And you are her first boyfriend. You see, she could survive with or without you. She had been living like that for a long time. She does not need you to do things for her. She just need you to be there. She has to know, or feel, that it makes sense letting you in her life. Make a difference not necessarily by changing her but by making her feel that this time, she would he happier. Do I make sense?
Him: I understand. Wow. You know so much.
Me: Lol. It's just common sense. I mean, she could wait a little longer for a "better" guy. Or she could leave you and find somebody else. But she chose you. She believed in you. You should at least respect that. Make her feel she made the right decision. Believe me, if she's really into you, she will do the same. Or much more.



Months later though, I learned that they broke up.

Somebody Broke My Heart

Him: I'm immature.
Me: Wait, did she told you that?
Him: She didn't. I just feel I am.
Me: And why?
Him: I'm just not emotionally prepared to be in a relationship.
Me: Oh. Tell me what happened.
Him: I don't know. All I know is that if you will find a girlfriend, you should not love her so much.
Me: That doesn't sound right. What's the point of all that if you won't love her that much?
Him: Don't get me wrong. I know what love is. I'd been in love. But it does not feel like that now.
Me: What do you mean?
Him: I just want to feel.. scared. Like if I see her, I shiver inside. Like I have so much to say to her but when I see
her, I forget how to speak. Like I want to do things with her but when she's with me, I cannot move. There's something.. There's something about her like she does not do anything at all but her smile is enough to make my day.
Me: You had a girl like that?
Him: Yes! My first girlfriend. She was perfect. Or so I thought she was. She's really pretty. No, she's beautiful. She's very kind. She's even a sacristan. She's a perfect girl but then.. but then..
Me: But then?
Him: I have this standard and she fitted in perfectly but she did something that made it so low.
Me: Like what?
Him: She.. She.. I saw her kissing her ex-boyfriend! Now tell me. Why is that?! Tell me!!
Me: Maybe it's not her who is the problem. Maybe it's the situation.
Him: No! She's the problem! why would she do that?! It's her ex already. I was a good boyfriend. I'm in varsity. I'm smart too. And that guy.. Why would she be with a guy like that?!
Me: You feel like she just underestimated you?
Him: Yes! 
Me: Like she cheated on you, betrayed you, and just used you?
Him: Exactly! And I thought she was a good girl but I was so wrong!
Me: And that you're the better guy but she chose the other one instead?
Him: Yes! Why would girls go out with bad guys?
Me: You see, I have standards too. I don't like guys who smoke. But what if I fell in love with this guy and later 
I realized he smokes? Would I just move on and forget about him 'coz anyway, he does not fit in with my standard? What if I tell you that no one is perfect? We all have imperfections and dark sides. I will love him more than his imperfections. But no, I will not tolerate him. However, I will not leave him. We will work together to make each other better persons. I cannot demand that he stop smoking. But if he cares for me, he will try to quit. It's about compromise. It's about giving the other one a chance. And unless you find someone really worth the shot, you would give up so easily. Don't be scared to give your all. Take the risk. You'll never know unless you try. 
Him: I'm not scared. It's just that nobody really reach my standards.
Me: Maybe it's not your standards. Maybe you're just being careful this time. Like if a girl could reach your standards, it means that girl has less potential of hurting you. And you're mad coz your first gf chose the "bad guy". Well, maybe she does not see him that way. Or maybe, she can see him more than what is labeled about him. You see, us girls, we don't really care about your accomplishments, your IQ, or the things you can do. Sometimes it's about how you can make us feel. If she loved him despite his "dark side', then I think there's something great in it. 
Him: Still I would not give my all. I loved once and look what happened? I will not do it again. 
Me: Just because you're hurt once does not mean you have the right to hurt other people too. In fact, it should even motivate you to treat other people better. I mean, you've been hurt and you know how bad it feels. Don't make other people feel bad like that. 
Him: But what she did was unfair! I didn't deserved that.
Me: Instead of being bitter to everybody, why not reward all the good things to somebody?
Him: What do you mean?
Me: For instance. There were guys who broke my heart too. You know, things that would make me sad. But no, I won't toy with anybody's feelings. I won't stop loving. I would continue to improve myself so that when the "right guy" comes, I'll also be worth it. I'll treat him really good it's like I'm telling the "other guys" that if they only treated me well, they'll be king like him. Do you get the picture?
Him: Yes. 


The teacher arrived with the test papers so we have to cut our "talk". Nevertheless, I'd like to tell him that..
Some people are worth the second chance. Or the third. Or the fourth. Or all the chances in the world. But some are better
not led on from the start. And it's not just about finding the right person. It's about being the right person. And
"goodbye's" don't have to be bitter or sad. Sometimes we need spaces to grow. And sometimes, we are better with other people.
We are still young. Take your time. Beautiful things take time to build. Goodluck!

To end this, I want to clarify his stereotype on girls.
I Hate You. I mean, I hate girls like you.

Him: You always post sexy photos in FB.
Me: I wasn't aware of that. They were not intended to come out "sexy". Maybe it's just you who finds them like that.
Him: No. You have pictures with your back exposed.
Me: Well at least it's just my back. Others have their boobies popped up.
Him: Still it's flesh. You know, Ramon Bautista said that a true Filipina should be covered up.
Me: So I'm not a Filipina?
Him: You still are. But girls should not be slutty.
Me: So I am slutty?
Him: No. But I still prefer girls who just wear t-shirts.
Me: I'm sorry I don't wear t-shirts like that.
Him: I like girls who are simple too. No make-up.
Me: I can't survive without my lipstick so yeah.
Him: But you're still pretty without your make-up.
Me: Uhm, thank you? But can't you see.. I am the total opposite of your "ideal" girl but it's me that you get to talk to with almost anything. You hate girls like me but you're here so whatever.
Him: Yes but you still have sexy photos.
Me: Look at me. Do I look slutty?
Him: No.
Me: Do I act slutty?
Him: No.
Me: Do you see me flirting with just anybody?
Him: You sweet-talk me. 
Me: Lol. I never did. We're friends talking about your obstacles in life.
Him: Yeah right. I was just kidding.
Me: See? My point is, do not judge a girl by the way she looks. I mean, you're kinda retarded but I still make friends 
with you. Haha
Him: I'm not retarded!
Me: Yeah. You're just an extremely intelligent guy who does not have common sense. Fair enough.