3am Thoughts

I can't sleep. 
I try so hard to sleep already. I can't.
I think that is enough explanation why I ended up scribbling this.
It's 3am anyway. My mind is entitled to whatever clutter.


Part I.

              Does Obama sleep? Yeah he does, silly. If I were Obama I wonder if I could sleep at night. I mean normally I could not sleep until 3 or 4am but if I were him, my sleep deprivation might be worse. I'm not referring to Obama per se but to a hypothetical dedicated, sincere, committed leader. I do hope he is all that but come on. It's easier to get in his POV than our president (no offense) because he is 1.familiar to me. 2.He has history to qualify him in this 3am musing of mine.

            So yeah. It's overwhelming. How could I sleep when I know my children are being kidnapped somewhere. Women being trafficked. Student massacres. Beheading everywhere. Somebody's dying of cancer or whatever. Dogs burning, tiny fetus being forced evacuate from the womb, hungry people, hungry children, homeless people, broken people, it's raining somewhere and someone is shivering from hunger and cold maybe I should go out to give someone an umbrella and a cup of hot chocolate. People hating each other. Religion. Politics. Society. Nah you're ugly. Nah you're stupid. Nah you're dirty, tiny, too big, silly, go away. It's a disaster out there. I try not to over-think but I feel it. If I were Obama, I would be telling myself that I owe these people protection. And comfort. Care. Even now that I'm not Obama, I feel it. Sometimes I tell myself maybe this.. pain.. is psychological. This tight sharp pain in my chest is but customary and imaginary. Can I say that I'm so sad my stomach hurts? or my leg hurts? Instead of saying that my heart feels like shattered to thousand of pieces, can I say that my foot joints seem to be amputated and dislocated to thousand of pieces? Ah. That would ruin the metaphor of fragile sincere pain. Or would it not? who cares if I romanticize my foot? okay. Shut up wendy. You sleep na please

Part II.

             Draw a heart emoticon on your chest, just above to where your heart should be, take a pic of that and send it to me. Dont be like them boys that send pictures of their d*** saying, "you make me hard like this". when I say Im not a one time fuvk, I dont want you to say stuff like, "it's okay I'll fuvk you over and over again/several times/whatever similar quantitative plural. Instead, ask me what I want to eat. I'll tell you, marshmallow. The soft ones. I'll share them to you ifyou say please. Just pls dont be predictable and boring and consistently sharing the fantasy of others. I want you to dream of somethng more worthwhile. Tell me you want to travel cities or countries and not just my body. Say something I've never heard before. Or say something similar but say it differently. Like I could listen to your eyes and believe in your hands. I'm hungry right now. Again. Probably appropriate to call this hungry confessions.

Tiptoe

Remember when I texted you at midnight saying,
"Pls come to me. I really need to see you now."
I had a drink with friends and came home extra brave to text you like that.
45 minutes later you were at my door.
My first thought when I saw you was, There's my angel.
"What took you so long?" I asked while hugging you right away.
"When I ask you to come to me, you come to me, okay?"
"Okay," you answered, hugging me in return.
"You smell so good," I said, still holding you.
I looked up to see your face and saw you looking down at my lips.
"Can I kiss you?" I asked.
"Of course," you said.
That was our first.
Later you were determined to let me go inside and sleep.
I said if you stay we will be kissing till 5am.
You respect me too much though. You don't want to do stupid things to me when I'm drunk.
"I'm not drunk," I said.
"I will remember everything in the morning."
I don't want you to think I kissed you only because I was drunk.
I wanted to kiss you a long time ago. Maybe since the first time I saw you.

It was 2am and I badly wanted to eat fries from Greenwich.
You suggested we just eat somewhere else. All the Greenwich place must be close already.
But I played stubborn. My appetite demands only for that.
So we drove around Divisoria, up to the SM area, and everywhere else.
You were right, of course. There were none.
I have to settle for something else.
I asked you to bring me to the farthest Mcdo you know.
We ordered two large fries and coffee, take out.
You asked where I want to eat.
I said just somewhere close. I don't want the fries getting cold.
You parked your car at the closest, most practical space.
"I never thought that parking lots could be a romantic place to date. Wow," I remarked.
"I always thought that girls are demanding and impulsive. Wow," you said.
I had to explain myself then. Just because a girl mentioned something only now does not necessarily mean she thought about it only now.
I mean, I had been craving for Greenwich fries for weeks. But it was only that night I told you about it.

Now I'm wondering if I should return this black coat of yours that's almost thrice my size.
Do you want your shirts back? What will I do with your letters?
Had I apologized enough?
What will you tell your friends?
Well I won't be eating french fries at parking lots anymore.
I think I don't want any Mickey Mouse on anything too.
I can't go to that corner of Bo's Coffee.
I don't want my nails red ever again.
Do you want me to cut my hair? Well I won't actually.
I mean, I wish there's a less infuriating way to say that I don't know what love is but I know it's not what we had.
I will miss you so much and I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared without you.
I'm already dead inside and this.. hurt.. is death.
You are life. You are joy. You are fire and gloom and food and air.
You are so beautiful. That was my first thought when I first saw you.
Put some wings on him and he will look like an angel.
But angels are creatures of heaven. I never belong there.
I want to go somewhere else. I knew from the start that you won't be coming with me.
I won't let you. I can't.