Magic or Manners?

It’s been two years. If there is anything that changed, it’s the fact that we are now more conscious of what we are up to, of what we expect from each other, and of what the consequences will be.

We are two young adults. We are rational human beings who know what is proper and what is not. Yet impulsive too. It's devastating how immaturity can make you feel so low. I feel sad about it but we made a deal not to feel sorry. We are just trying to be happy. Everyone deserves to be happy. Is that so wrong? Maybe.

I thought I’ll never him hear from him ever again. And it's a good thing not because I want him shunned from my life but because he is doing well already. He is happy. It gives me peace of mind when the people I care about are happy.

But months ago, he suddenly appeared on my phone. We get in touch again. It was purely for reconciliation purposes. We separated in not so good terms. We apologized to each other. At that moment, I felt we finally grew up. At least we learned from what happened between us. We have forgiven each other and are now ready to move on.

Then, he asked me if I will still accept him if he comes back for me. It wasn't really a serious question. Still, I said no. I mean, he is now with somebody. I don’t want to ruin any relationship even if in theory. And I was protecting my feelings too. If I will entertain the thought of him coming back, even just imaginary, even for just the tiniest speck of hope, I might hold on to it. Then, I will get hurt waiting and expecting. So, no.

He asked me to go over his place. Is that even constitutional? How can I go miles away just to see a man who is not even my boyfriend? Play hide-and-seek again? I thought we grew up.

Again, I said no. One, because I don’t know what to do with him when I see him, when it’s just the two of us together. Two, because I felt it was just a trap. Like he is just testing me if I am that easy to lure to his whims. He will be laughing so hard if I do. Third, he has a girlfriend already. I feel like I am betraying her if I went with him. I don’t really know her but still, I feel that bad.

I reminded myself I have manners. And with manners, I mean I have to respect the boyfriend of somebody else. I have to respect the decision of other people to be together. I will protect their commitment to each other. I have to stay away from him.

It was December, 2012. I went somewhere. I swear I had no predetermined plans to see him. I was there because I gave my word to some people. And maybe because I want to see someone too. I did not even inform him when I came there already. He told me ahead of time that his girlfriend will be coming too. I did not want to make a show so I kept my distance from him.

But sometimes, circumstances would force you to be honest with yourself. Sometimes, you just want to pretend that everything will be okay. Sometimes, you just want to be with someone who can make you feel less alone. 

He asked me to go out with him. I said yes.

Too much of manners. Damn you manners. And damn us.

What’s going on inside my head? I don't know. I refused to calculate. Shame.

I said we’re just two friends catching up. Yes, we are. Except that we watched Breaking Dawn 2 in theater. And we went on despite the stubborn rain. And that we had dinner together. And that he told his friends that he just went to see his cousin when in fact, he was with me. And believe me, we’re not cousins. And some in-betweens. But I constantly reminded myself to keep my head together. I don’t want to push myself that far. I am protecting my feelings.

Two friends catching up, huh.

A dream. I was dreaming while wide awake. It’s like I’m digging my own grave for a sweet death. We both know that when the morning comes, everything will be over. Well, I cannot stay. And him, he has to be with somebody else.

I wonder who the fool between us is. I wonder who is playing with anybody.

When we met again, I had my reservations already. I set boundaries. I was holding up on him. But still, it's easy to let him. I let him because I know that somehow, I am safe with him. He won’t hurt me. I mean, not literally because it did hurt a little when he bit my upper lip. But safe in a sense that he won’t push me into something I don’t want or something I am not ready to deal yet.

Then, it was time to leave. Again.

He said he wants me just for himself. I said that’s unfair. I mean, he can ask me to just be his but I can’t ask him to just be mine. I guess we are both playing safe. I know he will not just drop everything and be with me. He has been with her for a while now. He is also guaranteed that she is head-over-heels to him. He knows she is crazy over him and that he is the only one in her heart. How can he just leave a catch like that?

And me. How can I bet my heart to someone who feels safe with somebody else already? I have to protect my feelings too. She is stability. I am risk. He plays safe.

As they said, second chances don’t always mean a happy ending. Sometimes it’s just another shot to end things right. 

Was I just really one of the girls he toyed with? Is he really heartless, cruel, and selfish like that? Did I not really matter to him? Am I that easy for him to forget? It is easier to let go if I think he is all these.

But I can’t dare to accuse him these even if they’re true.

He plays safe. This is good enough reason to move on.

I will be alright. This is good enough reason too.  

Finale

Gratitude for the things you have, for the things you choose to keep.

Humility to understand that you cannot have everything you want. 

Faith to believe that whatever you lose or cannot do, it's God's plan.
There's a purpose in it.

But I'm not giving up.

Go Away, Pablo.

I was treading on wet land. Every now and then, I would have to hop a little or take bigger steps because small puddles are everywhere. A line of trees were uprooted and were helplessly scattered on the ground. Some houses stood intact but are now roofless. The Christmas lights were still attached on the huge mango tree only this time, they hang in an oddly fashion.

Finally, I’m home. I was hungry so I went right away to the kitchen. It’s a relief—no, it’s more than a relief—to find so many food on the table. Real food and cooked-- paksiw na Bangus, Chicken adobo, hotdog, tuna, and a casserole of rice. There are just so much of them to be consumed in a day or two. There are cookies, canned goods, noodles, a dozen of eggs, a gallon of drinking water, and boxes of milk too. Moreover, there are two flashlights, an umbrella, and a backpack of clothes. You would think someone is up for an overnight camping but no.

Pablo.

Everything is a testament that Pablo was here. The people knew he was coming and prepared for it. I was not here when he passed by but there are enough evidences to quantify what he has done.

Somehow I felt like I am Pablo. I come and I go. Only I am not sure if I have left enough traces for people to remember that I came. Or if I had done enough for people to feel my presence.

As Pablo was approaching CDO, I was also on my way to ZC. And as Pablo subsided, I was on my way back. Maybe I was off for an escape. Yes, it was an escape. But it was not Pablo that I was running away from. ZC could just be as vulnerable.

I was running away from…

Wait, was I running away from something? Or was I running to something?

Someone said it was an escape from reality. A break from the dreadful and busy world. A stolen moment of undue happiness. A short glimpse to the past. A dream.

I informed some people ahead of time that I’ll be there. They are people that I want to see. Maybe not just them, but they’re the ones I missed the most.

And there I was. I’m not really sure what to do. I just know I have to be there. It was a busy time for everyone but it didn’t made my stay any less wonderful. Yes, I wished I was able to talk more to people. It’s different when you personally ask somebody how he/she is doing than just inquiring someone else how everyone has been. But then again, the fact that people are being occupied means they are up to something relevant—they grew up, responsible, active, and happy. Isn’t that my goal? To know that they are all these? Somehow I succeed.

Some people showed up. Some people didn’t. Some people showed up but chose to ignore me. Some people were surprised I showed up. And some showed up when I thought they shouldn’t or wouldn’t.

Almost everybody changed. Longer hair. Skinnier. Taller. Bushy head. Mustache. Less friendly. Less hungry. Shorter hair. Chubbier. More daring. More sporty. More open.

And me. Maybe I changed too.

Or maybe I didn’t changed much.

I mean, everybody noticed how small I still am. I woke up in the dorm and still looked for coffee first thing in the morning. I’m still the shy girl who is overwhelmed by the crowd. I’m still the simple girl who refuses over-bearing accessories and heavy make-up.

Yes, I haven’t changed much.

I saw someone and my heart is still pounding so hard that I’m afraid to talk because my voice might shiver as well.

Yes, I haven’t changed much.

Somebody asked for me and I know I was willing to be dragged anywhere.

Yes, I haven’t changed much. I left. Again.

I wonder if there is something to remind the people that I was there. Just like Pablo—he has done so much that no one can deny his sudden appearance.

But nobody wants Pablo. He is dangerous and harmful. Everything he left only remind people of those tragic days. No one would like to be reminded of him coming.

Recently, people are saying that Pablo will come again to say “sorry”. But he wouldn’t. I mean, he might feel sorry for what he had done but he wouldn’t return.

It takes intense courage and a little insanity to go after a storm. 

It's not that kind of place Hiru-kin

It's not that kind of place Hiru-kin

“Hey, how’s your day?” asked Hiro-kun with a really bright smile. It’s easy to get annoyed whenever  he asks that. He knows my default answer yet he still asks anyway. Simply put it, if I say my day was awesome, he will accuse me to be guilty of deception.

I took a deep breath. I’m supposed to push him away. But I remembered my manners so I just gave him a thrifty smile and sat beside him.

It had become our ritual to witness the sunset every day. Well, it’s not like we have a choice. It’s the only time when he’s not busy restructuring the constitution and I’m not also busy watching plays.

The sky is a canvass of orange, purple, pink, yellow and red. The wind is gentle and moist. It’s a calm feeling. Unbothered and safe.

He is silently staring the open space. I see contentment in his eyes. He must have felt the same.

Then, a flock of birds passed by. It’s my cue to take off my shoes and get inside the house. But this time, I don’t want to go anywhere yet.

“You’re still here,” he said with his eyes still staring at the sky.

“Yeah.”

...

 “Hiro-kun…”

“Hmm?”

“Where will the birds go?”

“I don’t know. But it has to be some place that is clean and pleasant, right?” He chuckled.

“Yeah, right. Some place that is clean and pleasant. You like that too, don’t you?”

“Yes. I do.”

I noticed that the stars are becoming visible in the eastern part. He was watching the stars on the west side of the sky.

I wanted to look alive and beautiful until the last time Hiro-kun will see me. I don't want him to think I'm leaving with a miserable heart. 

I will appear pathetic that way, and tragic. 

"Why can you still smile like that?" he asked with modest disdain.

"Why not? I'm happy," I said, still arrogant of my really big smile that I suspect is starting to annoy him.

"You never change. You still think just of yourself."

"Nah... It's not like that. I just wanted to show you that going away does not have to be hard. I'm just a little goodbye, you know."

" You're a big goodbye for someone so small."

"Hiro-kun, remember what you told me before??"

"Which part?"

"You told me that when people decide to be apart, they don't have to end up hating each other. I don't hate you, Hiro-kun."

"You... you don't hate me?"

"I don't"

"You don't hate me. I'm curious on that."

I heard a swift trudging sound. My train is here.

I was about to stand up when suddenly,  he grasped my right hand.

"What are you doing?"

" I want to show you that when a man holds you're hand, he does not necessarily have to be sincerely in love with you."

He stood up and towered me.

" And not because a man is close to you at a certain moment in your whatever life you have, he will be there forever. It's either he does not really intend to stay long from the start or you just took him for granted."

"Hiro-kun..."

It was my turn to get inside.

"Bye."

"Don't be a stranger."

It's past ten in the evening. It's a cold and long night. 
When I wake up, it will be Mikoto already. 

I'm tired and there's no one to talk to. Sleeping right now should  be easy. But then, something heavy is filling my head...

Hiro-kun. It's threatening how he can confuse me all the time. No, I can't be wrong. 
I had been discerning on this for a long time. This is not wrong.

But then..

Why can I still feel his pat on my head?

Why can I still feel the grip of his hand? 

Why is he in my mind?

No, I should rather ask: When was he not?

I must be thinking too much.

I hate him for that.

I had always despised Hiro-kun.

He can make me vulnerable.