Motivator 101

It is important 
that you enjoy
what you are doing.

That would be
your ultimate motivator.

Naughty Elevator Guy

So I heard you're smart. 

I kinda noticed it too.

 I just hope you have a good deal

of EQ too.

You see, 

the way you talk 

and act 

(and think?)

 remind me of someone.

 I don't know if that's a good thing.

Anyway, it was fancy

talking to you for the first time 

in the elevator.

You looked totally harmless

as you greeted me,

"Good morning!"

You just came from the ground floor.

And me, 

from where we encountered each other,

in the third floor,

going to the ground floor.

You came out of the elevator. 

I came in.

You ran away.

You pressed all the digits.

3-4-5-6-7.

Really, that was genius.

Now I have to spend

a couple of seconds 

each floor.

>.<

I don't have grudges on you.
Sincerely, that was cute. 
There are silly things
that don't really have
to appear annoying.

Dream

The last thing I read before I went to sleep last night was about the interpretation of dreams. I discovered that dreaming about falling teeth does not mean something bad will happen as I was made to believe. It actually means maturity. When you dream that you have your own baby, an inner desire of yours is starting to surface or that you have a hidden goal that you want to start working on.  

But I did not dream of dinosaurs, shoes, butterflies, or river. Rather, I dreamt about you.

Most of the time, my dreams become hazy when I wake up. But my dream about you is different. It’s been three hours since I woke up but I can still feel it—the repressed frustration, the calculated expectation, the ignored longing. 

...

We were with other people, probably people we know but I could not exactly name them. Then, all of us were walking on the open street. We were all going somewhere. You were silently slacking behind while the others were merrily walking ahead already. I was in between. I don’t know if I should hurry to cope up with the rest or wait for you so that we can walk together instead.

I hurried toward the rest. 

I wanted to pull you but that would be awkward. I guess, whether in reality or in dreams, I am more concerned on what other people would think. Sticking with you might mean I'm into you. I don’t want them to think that way.

Then, we arrived at the place. Your mother was there. I did not really recognize her face but they referred to her as your mother so instinctively, I just felt she was. 

We waited for you to arrive. You didn’t. Everybody else went home already but still you didn’t come. I bid your mother goodbye as well.

On my way home, I thought, “Yeah. Why would I be surprised? He always does this. He never shows up.” 

From the beginning, I already set my expectation low: do not anticipate that he will come. I was almost on the point of missing you but I did not entertain the feeling. There’ll be no remedy because you’ll never be around.

When You Don't Want to Try Again

I’m not being emotional here. I’m just rationalizing. I’ll be dysfunctional if there are disturbing and stimulating thoughts in my mind that I leave unattended. Contemplating, after all, is my therapy. 

Tonight, April 26, 2012 at 9:08 pm, a friend sent a GM. It said: Is emptiness better than constant pain?

Emptiness. It can mean two things.

It can be a condition that one is feeling right now. Most people run to their families and friends and even seek lovers to ease that emptiness. Who would want to feel empty, solitary, and abandoned?

However, emptiness can also be a condition that one is trying to achieve yet. Ridiculous as it may seem but it’s true- some people would prefer to be emptied, to feel nothing, to be solitary. They are too fed up already and couldn’t contain anymore whatever burden they carry. Such burden is causing them excessive discomfort. It’s pain. And no matter how hard they try, such pain won’t go away.

It’s constant pain. 

Some people would rather be empty than feel such agony.

Last year, I tried to achieve such emptiness but I was not successful. Being empty means feeling and thinking nothing— numb and apathetic. I couldn’t attain both. I can easily empathize and I am consumed by events easily so whatever emotion is projected on the screen or is filling the atmosphere, I feel it too. And my mind—it is always curious, reflective, and occupied with imaginations. I couldn’t stop thinking so I always end up paranoid, bothered, and restless. Now, how can I be empty?

Fortunately though, I found a compensation: I kept myself busier. Maybe I don’t really have to be empty. Maybe I just have to send away some unhealthy thoughts by filling my mind with other more interesting things. So on the first semester of school year 2011-2012, for five months, I was able to accomplish a lot of irrelevant yet creatively meaningful things. 

I finished the Hunger Game trilogy: Hunger Games, Catching Fire, and Mockingjay. I also finished George R.R. Martin’s chronicles: A Game of Thrones, A Clash of Kings, A Storm of Swords, and A Feast of Crows. The fifth book, Dancing Dragons, was just released recently. It’s a relief that the old and sickly author was able to finish the book. I also indulged myself on the copylefted books in Project Gutenburg.  Moreover, I was able to finish Dream High and Heartstring. I was halfway on city Hunter when the semester ended. And from time to time, I would watch some episodes from some series I already finished watching: The Secret Garden, My Girlfriend is a Gumiho, Full House, Romantic Princess, and the anime Alice academy. These things would make me feel guilty sometimes. I seem to be just wasting majority of my scarce time. But there’s no stopping me. I felt it was all worth it. When I’m with my books or series, I’m in cloud nine. *angelic smile insert here*

Sometimes when I would not join my friends during lunch because I would rather be alone and read eBooks, they would say I'm on a lunch date with whoever-that-guy-is. They just don’t understand, and they don’t know, that I am more interested in reading awesome novels than idly chatting with them. 

There was even one afternoon that I fell asleep reading A Feast of Crows. I woke up five minutes before my next class. I was willing to still attend class even though I know I would be late already. But I fell asleep on my laptop and the keyboard left stubborn square marks on my face. I thought I looked really awkward so I just chose to continue reading and skipped class. 

I wonder what compelled me to do thing things. Was I trying to run away from some constant pain or did I just find books and movies too tempting? 

Maybe there was pain. Or maybe I just chose to be filled with whatever those books and movies have to offer. I was preparing myself then for my departure. I am moving. I tried to refrain from any deep emotional attachment with the people around me. So, instead of socializing with them, I isolated myself. Whether it was some pain already inflicted upon me or some memories that I don’t want to be implanted in my mind and heart, one thing is sure—I needed an escape.

Emptiness is an escape. In the Fight-or-Flight defense mechanism, it is the latter. I was cheated before so I won’t fall in love again. I lost the election so I won’t run again. I was reprimanded by the sales lady so I won’t go to that store again. My father left my mother when she was still pregnant with me. He was a German so I would not marry any German. My boyfriend died of heart attack inside the airplane so I wouldn’t ride any airplane ever again. 

Yeah, too much of emptiness.

 But is taking something away/refraining something/running away/trying to forget something a form of being empty? Maybe. Partially. You would rather be alone all your life or you would rather lose that childhood dream of yours to be the next president than feel the betrayal or frustration over and over again. 

However, emptiness as a Flight defense mechanism can also be good. Just imagine the retarded Kim Jong-Un of North Korea. What if he would not release any nuclear bomb anymore because he doesn’t want to recall the humiliating criticism of the world because of his failed nuclear launch? 

Common sense would tell us that that would be the last thing he would do. I guess choosing to be empty rather than facing the cruel reality is just for the weak. 

To achieve emptiness, you have to undergo self-denial, intentional disremembering or eliminating things, and carefully refraining anything that can trigger the past. But it doesn’t end there. You ought not to stop there. You have to rise above your pain. You have to take the next step—move on and stand again. If emptiness is a form of escape, it’s fine. Sometimes you have to retreat because not everything is worth the fight. 

Friends

FRIENDS. 

Yung tipong 
kung ano ang 
mahalaga sayo, 
pahahalagahan ko rin 
kahit boring, 
kumplikado, 
o weird pa yan. :)

Butterflyoholic and Leafomaniac

I find butterflies stimulating. I find leaves captivating. If only I could keep butterflies in my hands, I would. If only I could pick leaves anytime and anywhere, I would. 

But I know that Butterflies could be unappealing.  If they were to represent lovers, Butterflies are the kind that don't settle to just one partner. They could mean inability to settle, to choose, or to be loyal.

And Leaves. A leaf is just a part of the abundant branches and twigs of a tree. The way I carelessly just pluck them and leave them just anywhere could mean I am easy to just let go anyone anytime. 

However, recently I read something that gave me the relief I'm longing for.

A Butterfly means freedom, a confident spirit that believes it can get anywhere just fine.

A Leaf, the green one, means hope.

 Aren't my butterflies and leaves wonderful?

It's true that as of the moment, I want to go to places-- somewhere where people hardly know me. It's not that I'm trying to find an escape. It's just that I find it an awesome adventure to meet new people and engage myself to new cultures. 

However, the consequence for this is that I have to leave behind people who are dear to  me. I was the one who gathered them, and yet the one to first let go.

Sometimes I'm scared that I may have nowhere to return to. They may not be willing to take me back.

But someone said that it is intrinsic to humans to ponder and find means to calm whatever restlessness is inside him. I would find my life incomplete and hanging if I don't move. So, even if I'm anxious that I might be treading in a dead end, I continue my journey. I believe that, as that same person said, I will not find myself in a situation of no return because at the end of the day, when we satisfy our genuine desires that cause restlessness inside us, we could not find anything else worth-living for.

Way Back To Him

I'll be honest with myself for 10 minutes.

Looking at you now, I am reminded

of that guy that I looked up to.

I am reminded of that weird guy who often notice

everytime I experiment with my hair.

That when I feel most anxious and restless with my new look,

he never fails to tell me it looks just fine.

He might just say that because he got good manners.

The kind that he will tell to just anybody else.

But it means a lot to me.

I am reminded of that thoughtful guy

who was willing to bring medicine,

who gave me the bird origami after Bio class,

who toyed me during our Cha-Cha dance practice, 

who gave me the green balloon shaped like an animal,

who accompanied me back home when it's dark,

who sat beside me when Math was frustrating,

who wanted to watch an anime together,

who tried to welcome me in his team,

who shared the isaw,

who pointed his finger to me and pretended to shoot me,

who said his Goodbye properly.

Yes. He did a lot of frustrating things too.

Sometimes, the things he did and said pierce my heart really deep.

And sometimes, when I think of them altogether, 

I cry. Still cry.

But he was a good friend

And I choose to always look at the good side of him.

I want him to seek what can truly make him happy.

I want to see him get there.

I know who has his heart.

I hope things will end well with him and her.

Ok. So, 10 minutes is almost over.

I am not reminded of anything at all.

He's just any guy out there.

He does not make a difference.

I am lying again.

I Can't Keep You, But I Want You To Stay

It’s frustrating when you’re always told about those magic words yet his actions do not justify them.

It’s confusing when you feel his actions mean something yet he does not say anything.

Between the two, as of the moment, I choose the latter.

Don’t say anything. At least not yet.

However, don’t go anywhere. Just stay with me.

I don’t want to see you with somebody else but I cannot commit myself yet to you.

I want us to just take our time getting to know each other.

Let’s be special friends.

No expectations. No obligations.

Let’s just spend a lot of time together.

And let’s spend these times together happily.

Then, let’s just see where we go from here.

Keep on talking to me, keep on making me laugh, keep on cheering me up.

What I’m really trying to say is that stay just the way you are.

It’s enough already that you’re here by my side.

I’ll also try to brighten up your every day.

Honestly, I don’t see yet forever with you.

I’m still confident that should things get too tough for us, I can still easily let go.

But as of the moment, you’re the one that matters most to me.

Maybe my feelings for you are not yet that deep but still, they’re feelings.

That’s why I ask you to just stay with me, patiently.

My heart had been through to a lot of sad, sad things and now,

It seems difficult to penetrate it once again.

But you can make my heart tremble.

You can make my heart beat fast.

You can make my heart forget those many things that broke it.

And now, gradually, a little bit terrified, you make my heart believe again

That something wonderful can still happen.

You make my heart smile.

Someday, if ever that day will come for us,

 When I tell you that I’m all yours, believe that.

I will live just for you.

20 Days

 

From the day it will all begin to the day it will end-- 20 days.

New faces, new experiences, untrod territory.

I shall find either more beautiful jems in my jar of life

Or additional stones that are heavy enough to burden me.

Welcome people. Savor experiences.

Laugh. Learn. Lead. 

Reach out your hand and you will realize 

That the world is actually a friendly place. :)

Cross the Line

 

I'll be waiting on the other side. All you got to do is cross the line. 

Friend

                You always act strong and in control. I can just leave you alone because you can handle things on your own. I can just let go of your hand when we held, I can just not hug you, I can just not inquire about the hard moments of your life. You’re too strong that I just took you for granted. And I thought that as long as I’m willing to be treated the same way, it’s fine. 

 

               We don’t cry. We didn’t complain. We call each other friend. But between being strong and numb, I think there’s a difference.

It Ends Here.

Baek Hee: Thank you for keeping your promise. Just as you promised, you remained on my side until the end. <shake hands>