Cut Your Hair, Not Your Wrist

You’re not supposed to text me five successive messages past 1 am. I already told you, my message alert tone is silent. Therefore, even if it is an emergency, I won’t know it. If you have something so important to tell, you should have told me earlier. We watched the four-hour basketball game together, then went around, and parted past midnight. You had such an opportunity to tell me then.

Yes, when you’ll call, my phone will ring and I will know it. Even so, you’re not supposed to call me past 2 am especially if you’re crying. Worse, you’re not supposed to tell me you can just leave everything behind and kill yourself right then and there.

You’re not supposed to tell me those kinds of things because I really intend to sleep again right away. But hearing your self-threats, my sleepiness were gone instantly.

You called me, and so you’re not supposed to ignore the things I have to say. I hope you were listening when I told you that you’re not as weak as you thought you were, that however miserable you feel right now, you can survive it, and that 10 years from now, the things that upset you at the moment won’t matter anymore.

I hope you believed me when I told you are important too and that you deserve better. You just have to be a little stronger this time. I asked you to decide well.

You’re not supposed to interrupt me while I’m still talking. You’re not supposed to tell me that you’ll cut your wrist then just put down the phone right away.

I couldn’t text you nor call you. Neither can I go to your place.

For a moment, I was annoyed. You can’t just die like that. People will discover that I am in your call register 5 or 10 minutes before your time of death. They will surely inquire me what happened. That would be a hassle. People will also be able to read those really sad messages you sent me. They will blame me for not doing anything when you already showed suicidal symptoms. They will make me feel guilty and make me appear the criminal. I don’t like that.

I really want to get annoyed then. The hassle and the blame? I mean, I appreciate it that you already trusted me this much even if we just barely know each other for two weeks. You constantly tell me the people and the things that make your life seem unfair and burdensome. You won’t really kill yourself, right? This kind of thing only exists in movies and novels.   

But you already did it once. You were with someone then, so you were rushed to the hospital right away. You might do it again. However, this time, you might be alone in your room and no one will be there to save you. It felt cold inside.

I prayed. I will get annoyed later. For now, I will pray first. Sincerely, I asked God to guide you. I asked God to enlighten you and make you strong right now, really, really strong. I asked Him to calm your heart and to make you realize that there is more to life than what you are going through right now.

I want you to just let this day pass. Stay away with whatever sharp equipment you have there. When you wake up tomorrow, you will be amazed to realize that you can just actually not die tonight.

Do you remember what you told me last Friday? You cheerfully announced to me then that you finally broke up with your boyfriend after a two-year relationship. I asked you why you did that. You said you have your dreams too. A guy like him will not bring any good to your studies. In fact, he will only be a disturbance. You added too that if you’re meant for each other, you will be. But for now, you want to prioritize first your studies.

I supported your decision. You made me believe that you are already in control. So,why suddenly complain about him again? Why are you trying to murder yourself again? I thought you have your dreams? You were so determined to make them come true. Don’t give up yet. Not for a lame reason like him. Not this way. Not now.

Suicide is not supposed to be a remedy. If you think it is, then make it your very, very, very last option.

You’re so fragile. You’re impulsive too. Convince yourself that you are strong. Don’t get so emotional all the time. Practice to value your life too. Many people are in a battle against diseases. They fight for their lives really hard. Don’t take yours for granted.

So, if you feel like you cannot take it anymore, text me. Or better yet call me right away. Then take some sleeping pills. Just enough dosage, ok? Get to sleep. When you wake up, I’ll be right there beside you and I will make you understand why not killing yourself had always been the wiser decision.

I don’t want to see any cut in your wrist again.

Sincerely,

I-forgive-you-this-time-but-don’t-do-it-again-friend

You, My Friends, Will Handle It From Here

You will be alright.

Me too.

I'm sorry. I need this.

Mr. Good Guy

               
                  I told nobody else about what happened in my dorm that one afternoon of October. I wanted to keep your privacy. I thought you don’t want that kind of thing to be exposed to anybody else though I know you would tell some of your really close friends. 

                But you sent a GM about it. And you sent it to everybody except to me. You cried, you were hurt, and you expected something yet you were disappointed. You told them these things and a lot more. Well, if that is your way of coping up, it’s fine. I understand that some people feel better by expressing themselves openly. We share a circle of friends. Before telling me the narration you sent them, they asked me first my side of the story. It’s a relief that our versions match.

                However, if I were you, I would rather not do that. I believe some friend of ours told you already why. And it’s because… 

                If you cried, somebody caused you to do it. If you were hurt, somebody hurt you. Somebody disappointed you. Believe me, our classmates are too smart to know that should you feel that way, it’ll be because of me. I'm not trying to cover my actions. I am truly sorry for making you feel that way. But understand it was not my intention to do so.

I am not trying to be defensive. But there were people who made me feel bad too. And most of the time, I cared for these people, I trusted them, I respected and, and even loved them. When things get tough for us, I would rather discuss things with them rather than whine to everybody. I want to settle things without me appearing as the victim and them as the bad guy because anyway, I have my shortcomings too. 

                So maybe I really am the bad guy between the two of us. But believe me, I tried to keep my manners altogether to settle things properly. Anyway, let me tell you these things…

                I want to discuss things to you personally and not just through texts or phone calls. It’s more just than being polite. It’s being sincere. That’s why I asked you to come over my place. I heard you were still telling your friends how down you feel. I felt things were still hard for you. I wanted to talk to you to know which part is still not clear. I want us to still be good friends at the end of the day.

You are not supposed to count the chicks till all the eggs are hatched. Remember, I only told you that I wanted to talk to you. You told your friends that maybe I changed my mind and now I’ll say “Yes.” Later, when you realized I still decline, you asked me how you are going to go back to them now. You seemed to guarantee them that things are better already when you return. 

You said I am killing you twice. I already said “No” before and now I’m saying “No” again. Actually, I said “No” over and over again because you keep on repeating the same awkward question. You’re making things hard for me too by making me break your heart over and over again. 

Don’t beg. As someone said, “feelings don’t change just because you force them”. You said you liked me since first year. Well, I have been liking this certain guy since first year too. And you know what? If there is one thing I would ask him to do, I’d want him to seek what can truly make him happy. I’ll set him free and watch him fly.  If you care for someone, you don’t push yourself to her. You should rather help her realize who or what can truly make her life happy and help her get there. 

Don’t compare yourself. You’re an awesome person too. You keep on insisting about me and that certain guy. I told you there was nothing between us. Well maybe there was a little something but you shouldn’t compare yourself to him. People are special in their own ways. You’re intelligent, talented, responsible, thoughtful, and a wonderful guy yourself. 

Pardon me if you took my joke seriously. I already told you, right, that it was just a line from a move—Betty Cooper. I told you the same thing that was said in that movie: One day, if we’ll meet again and we’re still single, I’ll marry you. I shouldn’t have said that. 

Lastly, I already told you I am leaving this semester. You ought to understand that I went to a lot of discernment before I decided over this. You’re making my departure hard for me if you’ll make me feel that I’m leaving behind somebody who would never forgive me.

Thank you for everything. Thank you for cheering me up when I was down, for the hand-outs, prayers, patience, tutorials, and friendship. Thank you for making me feel special. Thank you. 

I know you’re mad at me right now. But I really hope that one day, you will understand. You are a wonderful guy. I know that soon enough, you will also find your wonderful woman.  

God bless!