You’re not supposed to text me five successive messages past 1 am. I already told you, my message alert tone is silent. Therefore, even if it is an emergency, I won’t know it. If you have something so important to tell, you should have told me earlier. We watched the four-hour basketball game together, then went around, and parted past midnight. You had such an opportunity to tell me then.
Yes, when you’ll call, my phone will ring and I will know it. Even so, you’re not supposed to call me past 2 am especially if you’re crying. Worse, you’re not supposed to tell me you can just leave everything behind and kill yourself right then and there.
You’re not supposed to tell me those kinds of things because I really intend to sleep again right away. But hearing your self-threats, my sleepiness were gone instantly.
You called me, and so you’re not supposed to ignore the things I have to say. I hope you were listening when I told you that you’re not as weak as you thought you were, that however miserable you feel right now, you can survive it, and that 10 years from now, the things that upset you at the moment won’t matter anymore.
I hope you believed me when I told you are important too and that you deserve better. You just have to be a little stronger this time. I asked you to decide well.
You’re not supposed to interrupt me while I’m still talking. You’re not supposed to tell me that you’ll cut your wrist then just put down the phone right away.
I couldn’t text you nor call you. Neither can I go to your place.
For a moment, I was annoyed. You can’t just die like that. People will discover that I am in your call register 5 or 10 minutes before your time of death. They will surely inquire me what happened. That would be a hassle. People will also be able to read those really sad messages you sent me. They will blame me for not doing anything when you already showed suicidal symptoms. They will make me feel guilty and make me appear the criminal. I don’t like that.
I really want to get annoyed then. The hassle and the blame? I mean, I appreciate it that you already trusted me this much even if we just barely know each other for two weeks. You constantly tell me the people and the things that make your life seem unfair and burdensome. You won’t really kill yourself, right? This kind of thing only exists in movies and novels.
But you already did it once. You were with someone then, so you were rushed to the hospital right away. You might do it again. However, this time, you might be alone in your room and no one will be there to save you. It felt cold inside.
I prayed. I will get annoyed later. For now, I will pray first. Sincerely, I asked God to guide you. I asked God to enlighten you and make you strong right now, really, really strong. I asked Him to calm your heart and to make you realize that there is more to life than what you are going through right now.
I want you to just let this day pass. Stay away with whatever sharp equipment you have there. When you wake up tomorrow, you will be amazed to realize that you can just actually not die tonight.
Do you remember what you told me last Friday? You cheerfully announced to me then that you finally broke up with your boyfriend after a two-year relationship. I asked you why you did that. You said you have your dreams too. A guy like him will not bring any good to your studies. In fact, he will only be a disturbance. You added too that if you’re meant for each other, you will be. But for now, you want to prioritize first your studies.
I supported your decision. You made me believe that you are already in control. So,why suddenly complain about him again? Why are you trying to murder yourself again? I thought you have your dreams? You were so determined to make them come true. Don’t give up yet. Not for a lame reason like him. Not this way. Not now.
Suicide is not supposed to be a remedy. If you think it is, then make it your very, very, very last option.
You’re so fragile. You’re impulsive too. Convince yourself that you are strong. Don’t get so emotional all the time. Practice to value your life too. Many people are in a battle against diseases. They fight for their lives really hard. Don’t take yours for granted.
So, if you feel like you cannot take it anymore, text me. Or better yet call me right away. Then take some sleeping pills. Just enough dosage, ok? Get to sleep. When you wake up, I’ll be right there beside you and I will make you understand why not killing yourself had always been the wiser decision.
I don’t want to see any cut in your wrist again.
Sincerely,
I-forgive-you-this-time-but-don’t-do-it-again-friend
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