LINES from Law Abiding Citizens

It's a great movie. You ought to watch it. Anyway, these are some of the lines in the movie that gave me the crave-factor.

I don't need to see them.

We have zero evidence. But we need a confession.

What I'm going to tell you, I don't want anybody else to hear.

It's not what you know. It's what you can prove in court.

He is playing with us. We'll play him.

I don't think he likes me.

You're about to let me go. Are you kidding me?

How carefully should I tread?

i know how it feels like to be helpless.

your heart is beating so fast. now me too.

How can you expect me not to fuck with you if you cannot even be honest with me?

I did what I had to do.

That's one pretty principle I want you to start learning: Keeping your word.

First of all, I was never here, and we never spoke.

Every move that he makes, it means something.

There are things and possibilities that I'm not gonna have now. And it's ok. I know it's part of the deal. But I just wanna make sure that I gave up those things for more than just a high conviction rate.

He's just well-prepared. We'll just be as prepared.

Better be safe than sorry, right?

Q: Are you trying to save me now?

 A: I'm giving you a way out. Big difference

We can't retract the decisions that we’ve made. We can only affect the decisions we’re going to make from here.

I'm doing the right thing. You just have to see it that way.

You're causing the same pain that you're suffering from.

I'm sorry. 

Me too.

Cut Your Hair, Not Your Wrist

You’re not supposed to text me five successive messages past 1 am. I already told you, my message alert tone is silent. Therefore, even if it is an emergency, I won’t know it. If you have something so important to tell, you should have told me earlier. We watched the four-hour basketball game together, then went around, and parted past midnight. You had such an opportunity to tell me then.

Yes, when you’ll call, my phone will ring and I will know it. Even so, you’re not supposed to call me past 2 am especially if you’re crying. Worse, you’re not supposed to tell me you can just leave everything behind and kill yourself right then and there.

You’re not supposed to tell me those kinds of things because I really intend to sleep again right away. But hearing your self-threats, my sleepiness were gone instantly.

You called me, and so you’re not supposed to ignore the things I have to say. I hope you were listening when I told you that you’re not as weak as you thought you were, that however miserable you feel right now, you can survive it, and that 10 years from now, the things that upset you at the moment won’t matter anymore.

I hope you believed me when I told you are important too and that you deserve better. You just have to be a little stronger this time. I asked you to decide well.

You’re not supposed to interrupt me while I’m still talking. You’re not supposed to tell me that you’ll cut your wrist then just put down the phone right away.

I couldn’t text you nor call you. Neither can I go to your place.

For a moment, I was annoyed. You can’t just die like that. People will discover that I am in your call register 5 or 10 minutes before your time of death. They will surely inquire me what happened. That would be a hassle. People will also be able to read those really sad messages you sent me. They will blame me for not doing anything when you already showed suicidal symptoms. They will make me feel guilty and make me appear the criminal. I don’t like that.

I really want to get annoyed then. The hassle and the blame? I mean, I appreciate it that you already trusted me this much even if we just barely know each other for two weeks. You constantly tell me the people and the things that make your life seem unfair and burdensome. You won’t really kill yourself, right? This kind of thing only exists in movies and novels.   

But you already did it once. You were with someone then, so you were rushed to the hospital right away. You might do it again. However, this time, you might be alone in your room and no one will be there to save you. It felt cold inside.

I prayed. I will get annoyed later. For now, I will pray first. Sincerely, I asked God to guide you. I asked God to enlighten you and make you strong right now, really, really strong. I asked Him to calm your heart and to make you realize that there is more to life than what you are going through right now.

I want you to just let this day pass. Stay away with whatever sharp equipment you have there. When you wake up tomorrow, you will be amazed to realize that you can just actually not die tonight.

Do you remember what you told me last Friday? You cheerfully announced to me then that you finally broke up with your boyfriend after a two-year relationship. I asked you why you did that. You said you have your dreams too. A guy like him will not bring any good to your studies. In fact, he will only be a disturbance. You added too that if you’re meant for each other, you will be. But for now, you want to prioritize first your studies.

I supported your decision. You made me believe that you are already in control. So,why suddenly complain about him again? Why are you trying to murder yourself again? I thought you have your dreams? You were so determined to make them come true. Don’t give up yet. Not for a lame reason like him. Not this way. Not now.

Suicide is not supposed to be a remedy. If you think it is, then make it your very, very, very last option.

You’re so fragile. You’re impulsive too. Convince yourself that you are strong. Don’t get so emotional all the time. Practice to value your life too. Many people are in a battle against diseases. They fight for their lives really hard. Don’t take yours for granted.

So, if you feel like you cannot take it anymore, text me. Or better yet call me right away. Then take some sleeping pills. Just enough dosage, ok? Get to sleep. When you wake up, I’ll be right there beside you and I will make you understand why not killing yourself had always been the wiser decision.

I don’t want to see any cut in your wrist again.

Sincerely,

I-forgive-you-this-time-but-don’t-do-it-again-friend

You, My Friends, Will Handle It From Here

You will be alright.

Me too.

I'm sorry. I need this.

Mr. Good Guy

               
                  I told nobody else about what happened in my dorm that one afternoon of October. I wanted to keep your privacy. I thought you don’t want that kind of thing to be exposed to anybody else though I know you would tell some of your really close friends. 

                But you sent a GM about it. And you sent it to everybody except to me. You cried, you were hurt, and you expected something yet you were disappointed. You told them these things and a lot more. Well, if that is your way of coping up, it’s fine. I understand that some people feel better by expressing themselves openly. We share a circle of friends. Before telling me the narration you sent them, they asked me first my side of the story. It’s a relief that our versions match.

                However, if I were you, I would rather not do that. I believe some friend of ours told you already why. And it’s because… 

                If you cried, somebody caused you to do it. If you were hurt, somebody hurt you. Somebody disappointed you. Believe me, our classmates are too smart to know that should you feel that way, it’ll be because of me. I'm not trying to cover my actions. I am truly sorry for making you feel that way. But understand it was not my intention to do so.

I am not trying to be defensive. But there were people who made me feel bad too. And most of the time, I cared for these people, I trusted them, I respected and, and even loved them. When things get tough for us, I would rather discuss things with them rather than whine to everybody. I want to settle things without me appearing as the victim and them as the bad guy because anyway, I have my shortcomings too. 

                So maybe I really am the bad guy between the two of us. But believe me, I tried to keep my manners altogether to settle things properly. Anyway, let me tell you these things…

                I want to discuss things to you personally and not just through texts or phone calls. It’s more just than being polite. It’s being sincere. That’s why I asked you to come over my place. I heard you were still telling your friends how down you feel. I felt things were still hard for you. I wanted to talk to you to know which part is still not clear. I want us to still be good friends at the end of the day.

You are not supposed to count the chicks till all the eggs are hatched. Remember, I only told you that I wanted to talk to you. You told your friends that maybe I changed my mind and now I’ll say “Yes.” Later, when you realized I still decline, you asked me how you are going to go back to them now. You seemed to guarantee them that things are better already when you return. 

You said I am killing you twice. I already said “No” before and now I’m saying “No” again. Actually, I said “No” over and over again because you keep on repeating the same awkward question. You’re making things hard for me too by making me break your heart over and over again. 

Don’t beg. As someone said, “feelings don’t change just because you force them”. You said you liked me since first year. Well, I have been liking this certain guy since first year too. And you know what? If there is one thing I would ask him to do, I’d want him to seek what can truly make him happy. I’ll set him free and watch him fly.  If you care for someone, you don’t push yourself to her. You should rather help her realize who or what can truly make her life happy and help her get there. 

Don’t compare yourself. You’re an awesome person too. You keep on insisting about me and that certain guy. I told you there was nothing between us. Well maybe there was a little something but you shouldn’t compare yourself to him. People are special in their own ways. You’re intelligent, talented, responsible, thoughtful, and a wonderful guy yourself. 

Pardon me if you took my joke seriously. I already told you, right, that it was just a line from a move—Betty Cooper. I told you the same thing that was said in that movie: One day, if we’ll meet again and we’re still single, I’ll marry you. I shouldn’t have said that. 

Lastly, I already told you I am leaving this semester. You ought to understand that I went to a lot of discernment before I decided over this. You’re making my departure hard for me if you’ll make me feel that I’m leaving behind somebody who would never forgive me.

Thank you for everything. Thank you for cheering me up when I was down, for the hand-outs, prayers, patience, tutorials, and friendship. Thank you for making me feel special. Thank you. 

I know you’re mad at me right now. But I really hope that one day, you will understand. You are a wonderful guy. I know that soon enough, you will also find your wonderful woman.  

God bless!

Love Is

love  is to appreciate what you receive

as you try to twice as much give.

love is when you find security

cornered with arms but feeling free.

love  is the stare of his honest eyes

burning with love that never dies.

without a word he can always show

that seeing you cry hurts him so

love  is giving yourself for a kiss

too close to smell the breath of his

your eyes are closed but you do know

that he's just there and won't let go

love  is when he humbly says 'sorry'

so is it when he accepts your apology

it's when he knows when to talk or listen

hugs you tight when you stop believin'

love  is when he holds just too tight

your hands and heart with all his might

to please you, he'll always find a way

he won't let go but he won't promise to stay.

They Choose to Do It Together

 

 

Hikari: Is it fun to do it on your own? It is no good without you! It is better to enjoy fun things with others. Would you like to do it together?

Kei: Yes.

Silhouette

They say that a place is only as good as the people in it.

I guess it’s the same for every other thing.

If there is anything to be remembered tonight,

It won’t be the flowers or the candles.

It won’t be the dress and silver shoes.

It won’t be the fancy wrappers.

It won’t be the pasta and pastries.

Tonight, her heart is supposed to be palpitating--  

As if something she seek for a very long time is finally in front of here.

As if something is seen for the first time.

Like something is terrifying and adorable at the same time

She is scared to go near it, but she wants it.

How could something be so close yet so far?

It’s in front of her, but she can’t reach out for it.

Every day, it’s drifting further and further.

Does nobody know that it was all it takes to complete the night?

It was the only part she wishes to remember.

She sees and hears a lot of things. Beautiful things.

But what she remembers is what’s not in it. 

I Need Time

I need time 

For myself

To totally let go of the past

And to start again.

I need time

To fix what needs fixing

To make my heart whole again

To heal.

I need time

So I can love again

Without holding back

Without reservations or partiality.

I need time

To be able to say that

When I give my heart, I give my all

And say it proud.

I need time

To make myself whole again

To give as much love as I can

To make loving worth it all.

I need time

So that should I love again

I’ll be fair to the person

And my love will be pure.

. 

You Know What's Real?

Do you know what is real?

It’s the tap on the shoulder

You feel the weight when it’s there.

It’s the fingers entwining

A grip that doesn’t easily let go.

It’s the smile you witness

Intentionally shown in front of you.

It’s those words that you hear

Coming from somewhere close.

It’s when you walk along

And you have to slow down,

Or it’s when you complain

That you can’t walk as fast.

It’s when you get to say a lot of things

And at the same time you’re happy listening.

It’s when a face occupies your mind

Anytime, anywhere, and you don’t stop.

My heart is real.

My love is real.

And you know what else is real?

She is real.

Your love for her is real.

What she is and what she'll be

Is everything I will never be.

This Voice in My Head: Talking to Myself

What do you like?                                                                                 

I don't know. Anything?

What do you like not?

Everything?

Are you scared?

I don't know. Why would I?

Anything bothering you?

Everything does. Confused, I guessed.

What's your concern?

Not knowing what to do and not knowing what I should know.

Anything too hard to solve?

Well, I know I cannot stay. But I don't know where to go either.

What do you want to do now?

Shun these thoughts. They are creeping in my mind.

What are these thoughts?

Can't define. But they bother me too much. I don't know.

What do you want to do with them?

I want them to go away.

Why?

Because they are not healthy for me. They make me less normal.

Don't you want to just fix them?

I wish I could. But they're untreatable.

How many are they?

Too many. It hurts to think all of them altogether at the same time.

Give me an example.

Well, what's gonna happen if I stay in bed all day?

And?

And I won't give a damn about those funny schoolworks.

More.

Will I ever be happy?

Aren't you happy?

I don't know. Why should I ?

Why should you not?

I don't know.

Anything else?

Am I broken? Or I'm just empty?

What do you think?

I don't know. I'm more of being tired.

Why would you be broken?

I was hurt.

By whom?

Can't tell. They're faceless, but too many in number.

Ok. So, why would you be empty?

Actually, I wanna be empty. It's a condition I want to be.

Why?

I'm so occupied with bothering thoughts. I want to get rid of them.

But I thought you can't.

I know. That's why I thought I should be the one moving instead.

But if you go, you will leave everyone.

It's fine. Sometimes I have to travel alone.

Won't you miss them?

I will not forget them. I will just expand my horizon. But not forget my origin.

But you can't go too far yet.

I know. That's why I sleep.

Why would you sleep?

Well, if I'm unconscious, I tend to forget everything. For awhile, I'm free.

It does really hurt, doesn't it?

I don't know. I got used with the pain. I seem numb to it.

Wanna cry?

I can't. Tears don't fall anymore.

Scream?

I don't know. I tried, but it hurts too much I don't know what to say.

How do you feel now?

I don't wanna feel anything.

I'm fine.

Collector's Item

   If I would wish of anyone to follow us here, it wouldn’t be you. Specifically, I would want that guy to be here and not you. But what can I do. That guy is always busy, always choosing school chores over people. And if he was here, he would be on the other room right now and already deeply asleep. Moreover, anytime, anywhere, he would not look at anybody because he’s stubbornly into her. 

                It’s not that I am affected of his feelings toward anybody. And it’s not that I miss him right now. No, it’s not like that at all. It’s just that I would rather have him beside me and not you.  

                Anyway, you’re here now. 

                Maybe it’s the full-blast air conditioner. It made both of us realize that it is wise to spread the blanket up until our shoulders. We’re leaning against the wall and the laptop is on the other side of the bed. Windstruck is on the screen.

                *something cute happened here*

                The sun was already peeping on the window when we decided to sleep. And yes, all the while I was a bit amazed that your phone didn’t keep you so occupied.

                Then we woke up. I was the first one to leave. I have no reason to stay there anyway.

               

                Thoughts poured over me like raindrops over ceiling-less house—they keep on coming. I thought of what happened months before, of the things I said that I should have not, and of the things I should have said but didn’t.  

Well, just days ago you wrote something. It was about you breaking somebody’s heart and that somebody breaking yours. And now, you want both of you to fix things. It’s not that I feel obliged to react on that but I found it an interesting topic to discuss. It’s not every day that a guy would openly admit his naughtiness and try to improve his lifestyle, you know.

Anyway, there are just so many Somebody in your life. I don’t know if there really is that one specific person that you want things to work out right now. And I won’t know if you’re being sincere. Nevertheless, as a woman, let me tell you these things…

You’re not as evil as you think you are. You’re capable of being serious on only one woman. I know you know that, and you had done that already. You just have to find that one person who can keep your attention altogether just for her. And when you find her, concentrate just to her. 

When you find her, treat her well. Tell her you love her and tell her all the time. Commit to her and don’t make your relationship a secret. Not everybody is given the opportunity to shout to the whole world their feelings to somebody. 

You know, no matter what you had done, no matter what other people think and say about you, and no matter how difficult you seem to love, if she really is into you, she wouldn’t mind. She will accept all of you, support you, and help you make your life better. 

Find that woman. And when you find her, keep her and only her.

Maybe you feel proud of the collection you had made. Really, not everybody can make such an achievement. But if I were you, I would rather feel frustrated and retarded. Somehow, I am familiar of that feeling when you’d met a lot of people in your life already yet up until now, you’re still left unsettled. It’s supposed to be frustrating, you know. 

So, gather yourself together. Choose to be a better person. Be a loyal lover. Every woman deserved to be loved only sincerely and faithfully. 

Anyway, thank you for clearing up my mind. Because of you I realized that as of the moment, I would rather be that guy’s friend than be anybody else’s girlfriend. 

I'm Moving

Last night, I spent some time reflecting what it is that I truly want at this point of my life. It seems like I’ve been taking for granted my decisions. Seems like I’ve been diverging away from what I planned beforehand.

Yes. For awhile I wanted change. I wanted to see the other side of the world. I wanted to know if I could be something else. I wanted to break the monotony of what seems to be a routinary life of mine. I wanted to feel alive.

Suddenly, I felt I lost my true intentions. Or was it necessary to change my dreams? I guess it was just proper to desire change because anyway, it was a little girl who formulated those dreams yesterday. Now, she has grown up and she has to realize that there are more relevant things that need to get done.

I wanted to believe that I have not lost my way. I wanted to believe that whatever twist I am feeling right now is a necessary step towards reality, towards maturity.

And there is this funny question that lingers in my mind: wherever I wish to go from here, do I go there alone?

Of course I ask for help but I taught myself to stand on my own two feet. I had walked alone.

Life for me is a journey and I know that along the way, I will meet a lot of faces. And I watched those people special to me just pass by. Sometimes, I felt like I was left behind. Or was it me who went ahead?

A friend of mine, Dr. Bear :P, told me to move forward. Well, here I am. :)

The Window

The first time I saw you,

You were always looking outside the window.

I learned to look at you.

I looked at you as you looked outside the window.

Now, I don’t see you.

I am looking outside the window.

I want to wake up one day not looking at you,

But not also looking outside the window.

The Compass

I don’t know what’s making me live. I don’t know what’s making me want to do things. I go to school. I do my own thing here. I am miles away from home. I have no family. I am in charge of everything I need here.

I wake up each morning. I fix myself and drag myself to the classroom. Often I fake a smile. I laugh when people laugh. I torture myself by listening to boring class discussions. I engage myself in ridiculous and sometimes entirely irrelevant classroom activities. 

But I am tired. Really, if you just could read my mind, you would understand that sometimes, I really want to give up. It feels sad walking alone. It feels sad doing things alone.

I just convince myself I am tough. I am strong and can handle myself perfectly. Well, I really am. I had survived for years already with this kind of lifestyle. But in my mind, I was never really alone.

Because in everything I do, I think of you. Whenever I stay late at night doing homework, I think of how you are also on the other side industriously doing your homework too. That when I feel I’m too tired, I would think of how you would never allow yourself to be devoured with laziness. That you always find ways to do things and you would never allow yourself not to be able to do things. 

You don’t easily give up. That you don’t let your emotion become a hindrance to be efficient and productive. That you always have your focus. That you know what you want, what you need, and you always have a way to get them. That you are decisive, not easily bothered by tiny matters, and a survivor.

So when I am about to give up, I would think of how I badly do not want to fail you. I want you to be proud of me. And so I have to do things well. I cannot be lazy. I cannot be upset. I cannot be stopped.

When I am confused and unable to make a decision, I would think of what you would do if you were on my place. And suddenly, I get the answers.

And when I cannot find any incentive to do things enthusiastically, I would remember how you smile whenever I am about to do something. Your smile always makes me want to do things so well. Your smile empowers me. Your smile makes me think you are counting on me.

I wake up every morning. I know each day is dull and uninteresting. The things I do are routinary. Sometimes they make me so tired, frustrated, sad and bored. But when I think of you, everything gain color. Everything becomes something worth doing. 

This life becomes worth living. It doesn’t really matter where you are. I keep you in my heart, always.