The Compass

I don’t know what’s making me live. I don’t know what’s making me want to do things. I go to school. I do my own thing here. I am miles away from home. I have no family. I am in charge of everything I need here.

I wake up each morning. I fix myself and drag myself to the classroom. Often I fake a smile. I laugh when people laugh. I torture myself by listening to boring class discussions. I engage myself in ridiculous and sometimes entirely irrelevant classroom activities. 

But I am tired. Really, if you just could read my mind, you would understand that sometimes, I really want to give up. It feels sad walking alone. It feels sad doing things alone.

I just convince myself I am tough. I am strong and can handle myself perfectly. Well, I really am. I had survived for years already with this kind of lifestyle. But in my mind, I was never really alone.

Because in everything I do, I think of you. Whenever I stay late at night doing homework, I think of how you are also on the other side industriously doing your homework too. That when I feel I’m too tired, I would think of how you would never allow yourself to be devoured with laziness. That you always find ways to do things and you would never allow yourself not to be able to do things. 

You don’t easily give up. That you don’t let your emotion become a hindrance to be efficient and productive. That you always have your focus. That you know what you want, what you need, and you always have a way to get them. That you are decisive, not easily bothered by tiny matters, and a survivor.

So when I am about to give up, I would think of how I badly do not want to fail you. I want you to be proud of me. And so I have to do things well. I cannot be lazy. I cannot be upset. I cannot be stopped.

When I am confused and unable to make a decision, I would think of what you would do if you were on my place. And suddenly, I get the answers.

And when I cannot find any incentive to do things enthusiastically, I would remember how you smile whenever I am about to do something. Your smile always makes me want to do things so well. Your smile empowers me. Your smile makes me think you are counting on me.

I wake up every morning. I know each day is dull and uninteresting. The things I do are routinary. Sometimes they make me so tired, frustrated, sad and bored. But when I think of you, everything gain color. Everything becomes something worth doing. 

This life becomes worth living. It doesn’t really matter where you are. I keep you in my heart, always.