Unfaithful

It's disturbing that just recently, successively, a number of my friends broke up with their bf. In all cases, their lover cheated on them. Well, let me tell you something.

1.You are beautiful. You are intelligent. You are kind. You are enough and you are worth it.

2.It's not your fault. You did your part and you did well, remember that.

3.Whether he did it one time or has been with another for awhile now, there's a saying that goes: If he cheats with you, he will cheat on you. They're not going anywhere.

4.If he did it once, he will do it again. The earlier you knew about it, the better. Start embracing a better life asap.

5."Do not apologize for your path of healing after being broken." I won't mind the raging status updates in my timeline. You can post the other girl's photo too all you want. Go on make your comment section a chatbox as your friends comfort you there. Or simply go on a vacation and ignore your social sites altogether. But after all these, come back strong. 

6.Cut him from your life or cut the pictures and letters to pieces but not your hair.

7.Life goes on. The good things in life don't last but so do the bad ones. 3 or 5 years from now, this won't matter. You'll find a better guy and you'll be happier.

Wish You Were Here

You are sweeter than chocolate. Trust me, I know. Pardon me on those times you try to be amazing but I can't stop laughing so we just end up cuddling instead. I don't know which I really like: us drinking coffee at 4am or just the coffee itself. You're determined though that it's my kiss that took your sleepiness away. You're really smart and sexy and we both notice it when those gay guys keep looking at you, and I'm the only one hating it. I want to make you laugh again at the back of the taxi. And I don't care if I'm just half your size or less, you should take it seriously when I'm mad. I'll share my pizza with you. Wish you were here.

3am Thoughts

I can't sleep. 
I try so hard to sleep already. I can't.
I think that is enough explanation why I ended up scribbling this.
It's 3am anyway. My mind is entitled to whatever clutter.


Part I.

              Does Obama sleep? Yeah he does, silly. If I were Obama I wonder if I could sleep at night. I mean normally I could not sleep until 3 or 4am but if I were him, my sleep deprivation might be worse. I'm not referring to Obama per se but to a hypothetical dedicated, sincere, committed leader. I do hope he is all that but come on. It's easier to get in his POV than our president (no offense) because he is 1.familiar to me. 2.He has history to qualify him in this 3am musing of mine.

            So yeah. It's overwhelming. How could I sleep when I know my children are being kidnapped somewhere. Women being trafficked. Student massacres. Beheading everywhere. Somebody's dying of cancer or whatever. Dogs burning, tiny fetus being forced evacuate from the womb, hungry people, hungry children, homeless people, broken people, it's raining somewhere and someone is shivering from hunger and cold maybe I should go out to give someone an umbrella and a cup of hot chocolate. People hating each other. Religion. Politics. Society. Nah you're ugly. Nah you're stupid. Nah you're dirty, tiny, too big, silly, go away. It's a disaster out there. I try not to over-think but I feel it. If I were Obama, I would be telling myself that I owe these people protection. And comfort. Care. Even now that I'm not Obama, I feel it. Sometimes I tell myself maybe this.. pain.. is psychological. This tight sharp pain in my chest is but customary and imaginary. Can I say that I'm so sad my stomach hurts? or my leg hurts? Instead of saying that my heart feels like shattered to thousand of pieces, can I say that my foot joints seem to be amputated and dislocated to thousand of pieces? Ah. That would ruin the metaphor of fragile sincere pain. Or would it not? who cares if I romanticize my foot? okay. Shut up wendy. You sleep na please

Part II.

             Draw a heart emoticon on your chest, just above to where your heart should be, take a pic of that and send it to me. Dont be like them boys that send pictures of their d*** saying, "you make me hard like this". when I say Im not a one time fuvk, I dont want you to say stuff like, "it's okay I'll fuvk you over and over again/several times/whatever similar quantitative plural. Instead, ask me what I want to eat. I'll tell you, marshmallow. The soft ones. I'll share them to you ifyou say please. Just pls dont be predictable and boring and consistently sharing the fantasy of others. I want you to dream of somethng more worthwhile. Tell me you want to travel cities or countries and not just my body. Say something I've never heard before. Or say something similar but say it differently. Like I could listen to your eyes and believe in your hands. I'm hungry right now. Again. Probably appropriate to call this hungry confessions.

Tiptoe

Remember when I texted you at midnight saying,
"Pls come to me. I really need to see you now."
I had a drink with friends and came home extra brave to text you like that.
45 minutes later you were at my door.
My first thought when I saw you was, There's my angel.
"What took you so long?" I asked while hugging you right away.
"When I ask you to come to me, you come to me, okay?"
"Okay," you answered, hugging me in return.
"You smell so good," I said, still holding you.
I looked up to see your face and saw you looking down at my lips.
"Can I kiss you?" I asked.
"Of course," you said.
That was our first.
Later you were determined to let me go inside and sleep.
I said if you stay we will be kissing till 5am.
You respect me too much though. You don't want to do stupid things to me when I'm drunk.
"I'm not drunk," I said.
"I will remember everything in the morning."
I don't want you to think I kissed you only because I was drunk.
I wanted to kiss you a long time ago. Maybe since the first time I saw you.

It was 2am and I badly wanted to eat fries from Greenwich.
You suggested we just eat somewhere else. All the Greenwich place must be close already.
But I played stubborn. My appetite demands only for that.
So we drove around Divisoria, up to the SM area, and everywhere else.
You were right, of course. There were none.
I have to settle for something else.
I asked you to bring me to the farthest Mcdo you know.
We ordered two large fries and coffee, take out.
You asked where I want to eat.
I said just somewhere close. I don't want the fries getting cold.
You parked your car at the closest, most practical space.
"I never thought that parking lots could be a romantic place to date. Wow," I remarked.
"I always thought that girls are demanding and impulsive. Wow," you said.
I had to explain myself then. Just because a girl mentioned something only now does not necessarily mean she thought about it only now.
I mean, I had been craving for Greenwich fries for weeks. But it was only that night I told you about it.

Now I'm wondering if I should return this black coat of yours that's almost thrice my size.
Do you want your shirts back? What will I do with your letters?
Had I apologized enough?
What will you tell your friends?
Well I won't be eating french fries at parking lots anymore.
I think I don't want any Mickey Mouse on anything too.
I can't go to that corner of Bo's Coffee.
I don't want my nails red ever again.
Do you want me to cut my hair? Well I won't actually.
I mean, I wish there's a less infuriating way to say that I don't know what love is but I know it's not what we had.
I will miss you so much and I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared without you.
I'm already dead inside and this.. hurt.. is death.
You are life. You are joy. You are fire and gloom and food and air.
You are so beautiful. That was my first thought when I first saw you.
Put some wings on him and he will look like an angel.
But angels are creatures of heaven. I never belong there.
I want to go somewhere else. I knew from the start that you won't be coming with me.
I won't let you. I can't.

Tonight

Every time I pull the strings, the universe makes sure to pull everything apart. For what greater joke is there than to disappoint the most anticipating heart. Next time I would pretend to be not so excited. I'll tell my mind that no, I don't miss him. I'll quit mentally listing the things I want to do. Maybe I could cheat the universe that way. You know, make my plans work and leave two hearts happy.

But good thing I'm bone stubborn. I'm Wendy. You're my lost boy and I'll take you with me somewhere in Neverland. Welcome, baby.

You

You believe in God and I believe in you. I worship you.

I Color You Blue

"He was just an ending, not the end." -Lang Leav

I read a piece about losing the one you love. I don't know why but I ended up writing about what happened when he came back.

All I did was self-defense.

He walked away once and I made sure I won't be the one left behind again. So when he came back and I let him in, I gave him my lips but not my heart. I let him take me to places but I also became more resolved to where I want and do not want to be. Sometimes we walk side-by-side with me tip-toe-ing every now and then to kiss his cheek. Sometimes I tell him to follow me. When he doesn't, I still go my way whether I'm on my own or with somebody else.

All I did was self-defense.

I don't want my heart to be shattered again by the feeling of loss, betrayal, or abandonment. I learned that it's easier to leave before I am left behind than to force myself to remember the good times just so I'll have reasons to stay. I know he would be waiting for me anyway no matter how far I go away from him. And if he starts walking away too, well he left before and what happened was that I survived. He's just a little goodbye.

All I did was self-defense.

I have a pretty dress in my closet and I'll wear it on our date. But should he change his mind, I'll still wear it anyway. I'll never cut my hair short especially on days that I am most frustrated by him. If the urge hits me, I'll ignore his texts and calls until I reach chapter 5 or 7 of the recent book I'm devouring. I would quit reading between the lines. I would quit hunting for red flags. They only make me unhappy. I'll just enjoy the good times with him and go have fun somewhere else when he is being toxic.

All I did was self-defense.

There will be days that he'll be mad at me but I won't apologize. Some girls play hard to get just to tease their males. Me? My luggage I hid under the bed is ready and in 5 minutes, I can book myself to a wonderful place 4 hours away from him. My departure won't be the kind that I regret it and come back to him instead. No. Thing is, I like him. I know he knows that. But I learned to love myself too.