I Color You Blue

"He was just an ending, not the end." -Lang Leav

I read a piece about losing the one you love. I don't know why but I ended up writing about what happened when he came back.

All I did was self-defense.

He walked away once and I made sure I won't be the one left behind again. So when he came back and I let him in, I gave him my lips but not my heart. I let him take me to places but I also became more resolved to where I want and do not want to be. Sometimes we walk side-by-side with me tip-toe-ing every now and then to kiss his cheek. Sometimes I tell him to follow me. When he doesn't, I still go my way whether I'm on my own or with somebody else.

All I did was self-defense.

I don't want my heart to be shattered again by the feeling of loss, betrayal, or abandonment. I learned that it's easier to leave before I am left behind than to force myself to remember the good times just so I'll have reasons to stay. I know he would be waiting for me anyway no matter how far I go away from him. And if he starts walking away too, well he left before and what happened was that I survived. He's just a little goodbye.

All I did was self-defense.

I have a pretty dress in my closet and I'll wear it on our date. But should he change his mind, I'll still wear it anyway. I'll never cut my hair short especially on days that I am most frustrated by him. If the urge hits me, I'll ignore his texts and calls until I reach chapter 5 or 7 of the recent book I'm devouring. I would quit reading between the lines. I would quit hunting for red flags. They only make me unhappy. I'll just enjoy the good times with him and go have fun somewhere else when he is being toxic.

All I did was self-defense.

There will be days that he'll be mad at me but I won't apologize. Some girls play hard to get just to tease their males. Me? My luggage I hid under the bed is ready and in 5 minutes, I can book myself to a wonderful place 4 hours away from him. My departure won't be the kind that I regret it and come back to him instead. No. Thing is, I like him. I know he knows that. But I learned to love myself too.