Ghost in my Closet

Recently, I run to a question: 
If you are given 24 hours to spend however you want, and money is not a concern, what would you do?

Sleep. My instant answer was sleep.

I paused for 3 seconds, became aware that my answer may not be enough to satisfy the huge possibilities that the question may offer. I tried to think "average". If I were a normal person, what would I do?

Hmm. Think again.

24 hours of self-indulgence for FREE.
Think again.
Maybe go to Disneyland?
Or a Caribbean holiday?
Shopping in Paris?
Or hunt ghost castles in Denmark?
Denmark. Denmark.

No. I still want to sleep.
Sleep.
Cuddle in bed.
My bed. That bed. That room. That place.
Make absurd ghost hunting strategies in that bed.
Someone will laugh on my ideas but I don't care.
I'm going to hunt ghosts and I know I'm not going there alone.
I will talk about ghosts until I fall asleep.

How fast things changed.
I said I won't count because it's harder to let go that way.
So, I won't remind myself that for 19 months, things were different.

It's amazing how people can just walk away like that.
We used to talk about ghosts and now, he's just a ghost himself.
It only shows how little they truly care all this time.
Or maybe, they just care too much on something else.

To call it love is an overstatement.
I just know it was able to lift people high enough and make them change their minds midway.
It's threatening how people can make something look so magical and yet fake at the same time.

Coffee Thoughts

It's 2 pm and I'm in a coffee shop, alone, thinking what if you were here right now, with me. 

 You won't allow me to sit in front of you. You want us to sit right next to each other. So you either ask me to sit beside you or, in times when I want to play stubborn and refuse to do so, you would sit next to me.

 You would wrap your arm around my waist. Instinctively, I would lean on your shoulder. Or you chest.

Every now and then, you would look at me, or hold my chin up.

I would know then what is coming. I would close my eyes and we would kiss.

 You would hold my hand. Entwine the fingers. Or squeeze them a bit. Sometimes I wonder just how many hands had you held. I just fight the thought away.

 Sometimes, when I see you standing a meter or two away from me, I would walk towards you and wrap my arms around you. I try to fit myself with you like a lego, or a jigsaw puzzle.

As if you are the missing part of me and hugging you would make me feel complete.

Yes, I don't only feel safe with you. I feel... complete.

 We would take turns embracing each other.

But my favorite is when you would hug me from behind really tight so I can hear your heartbeat.

You make me feel alive.

 I would go wherever you would take me.

And if only I could forget the world, I would do everything for you. In all forms. In all corners of the town.

I would kiss you like you ask me to-- like I mean it.

I would let you kiss me without me holding back, without me pulling off a little, without me gently pushing you away.

 But we know each other so much already that we can't help but to keep our guards up.

You have shown enough to convince myself that you're as warm as the summer. Well, you're only summer. I need all seasons in my life-- the cold winter, the gloomy fall, the hopeful spring.

I have lived enough to know that I will be alright without you.

 So here I am. Waiting for somebody else to fill your place.

Like I said, I'm not mad or sad. At least not anymore.

I will use love to make me a better person. 

I mean, by showing me what is not, I knew what it is.

This thing between us, it's not it.

Doors Closed

I remember those nights when I would crawl to your bed.

talking all night and talk more till early morn.

watching movies over and over again because there are parts I can't move on.

pouring mango juice in champagne glasses and spilling them everywhere.

My point is...

you didn't have to close the door so hard

you should have just talked to me instead of leaving notes on my desk.

you missed my 20th and forgot the 19th.

you must have been really busy 'coz it took you awhile to say "sorry".

Well, I did something great today and I wish you were the first to know.

I miss having dinner with you.

I still have thousands of complain why life is unfair and you should hear them out,

and unlike what you think, I do get sad too.

I told myself then that I'll burn this place just to keep us warm.

now I have to reconstruct a lot of things 'coz every step that I'm about to take from here,

you're supposed to be in it.

the silence here is too much already it is telling me that either you or me won't make it.

I'd rather be out here totally than spending sleepless nights waiting when to hear a knock on the door.

I've packed up my things and I'm returning you the key.

and maybe you'll say that for someone like me, this is just another ordinary day.

however, maybe this time, it's not just about me.

you're holding back 'coz you're chasing so hard your priority--

that makes you just another face in history.

Walk with me?

Not anymore.

We Can't Stay

NOTE: This is an old note written six years ago. 

This is not impulse and boredom conspiring. Maybe this is even long overdue for us. It's okay. These past few days are enough to convince me that it is not a mistake to be with you.

Maybe we don’t have to know everything about each other. Maybe we don’t have to know about what lies ahead. Right now, these things do not matter. You take care of me and I take care of you. We don’t have much time to be together but it’s okay. 

I will believe you when you say you love me. I won’t stop myself from saying I love you too.

This place is strange for us both but we will get lost in it together. Don’t let go of my hand and don’t leave by my side. Lead and I will follow. You can take me anywhere. I will go with you.

We will take pictures of us with smiles of pure delight. We will laugh as hard and as often as we can. We will let go of anxieties and fears. We will pretend that this thing we have, it will never end.

I wish I can take you with me. Or I wish I can go with you. But not yet. Nobody can take anybody home yet. That doesn't make this thing we have less genuine though.

So, tighten the grip of your hand because I need to feel you’re still with me. I am actually scared right now and my fear is creeping deeper into me in each passing hour.

From the start it was clear that this is not going anywhere. And I thought I had done enough to prepare myself on our pre-determined departure. Well, I know I will be alright. You will be alright too. It’s just hard to take that right now, I am very happy and I cannot stay like this.

…..........................................................................................

It will be morning soon. I want to stay awake because I want to spend the remaining few hours consciously with you. But I am tired already. So, I sleep. I sleep with tears that I cannot stop from falling. Maybe it’s because I’m so happy right now. I never felt peace in my heart as much as this. And maybe because I know I will lose you when I wake up.

Somehow I wish I met you differently. But then, things might not turn as wonderful as this. I should not be sad that we have to stop midway. Rather, I should be grateful for having you in my life even just for just a short time, even if just temporary, even if I have to give up so soon. Thank you for the happy memories. Thank you for making me feel special, cherished, and loved. I wish I made you feel the same way.

…..........................................................................................

So, this is it. Hold my hands for the last time. Let me look at your face. Let me look at your eyes. It’s hard but I will try to smile because I want you to remember me that way. I will not be the girl who leaves with a heavy heart. I will be the girl who is thankful for everything. I don’t regret meeting you. I don’t regret every minute I spent with you. The memories are enough to sustain me to stay strong and go on. I want you to go home strong too. We will be alright.

The world that is waiting for me is a place where it does not matter whatever is in my heart. It is a world where I cannot afford to hold on to you or to your memory. Somebody else is waiting there for me.

And you, I would not give you the chance to choose whether to hold on or not. I want you free. I cannot take care of you yet. You ought to be cherished and protected. I cannot be that person yet.

If it's meant to be, it will be. 

No Script

how does it feel to love someone and knowing you don't have to let go?
     to have something and you know you can keep it?
     to have something for you to keep?
     to not let go?
how does it feel to hug somebody today and knowing that tomorrow, you'll still be hugging him?
     to not telling yourself that: "hey, take it all in. just live the moment. indulge in it
           because tomorrow, this will all be over" ?
     to not pretend that everything is just a dream?
how does it feel to totally open your heart, pull your guard down, and just be free?
how does it feel to be safe?
     to not to draw the line?
     to not to hold your feelings?
     to not to end everything?
     to not to start over and over again?
     to not to quit midway?
how does it feel to get into the end?
     to not think when and how to end things?
     to not having to move on?
     to have the right to claim something, protect it, take care of it, and keep it?
how does it feel not having to wait?
I want to be happy.
Not just for a day or a moment.
But I want to be happy for a long. With somebody.

I do not want this role I play.
I leave before I am left behind.
I don't give anyone the chance.
Who signed me up for this?
I did not want this.
But it seems I'm good at this.

Remind me how to love again.
I'm better at that.

Ladies and Gentle men, I present to you the Youth of our Motherland:

This happened during our Political Science class. It was one of those moments when our teacher was so deep in his commitment to our country and is trying to gauge is the students are as dedicated as him. I hope we did not disappointment him.

Teacher: What if you are the only one left in the war? What will you do?

Class: Play dead!

Teacher: What do you mean play dead?

Girl: Sir, you lie down beside the dead and pretend you’re dead too!

Teacher: I mean, can you still make your own government? How will you run your country if you’re the only one left?

Boy: Sir, I will adopt!

Girl: Import citizens. Or use test tube babies.

Boy: It’s easier if it’s a girl that’s left. She can ask sperm banks to help her breed.