Dear Awkward Penguin,

                You always want to go to places and so do I so I wonder, if we're constantly moving how do we get to cross our path? You want to camp out and make s'mores and I like that too but I don't really mind being in bed whole day watching movies with a tub of ice cream and apple slices. You want to take the last bus going home but I don't really trust an empty bus but that won't be a problem because you won't mind sleeping on the terminal bench and as long as I have a good book with me and a cup of coffee I'd do the same. 

              I'm just glad that after all the clumsy things I did and the people I squeezed in to my tiny self, you still wendang2 me. And I'd like to give you an actual 'fox hat' but I'm reminded of how you repossessed the socks that were supposed to be mine so I have to exhaustively think it over. I want you to open up your heart and fall in love for real but that's funny because you actually already love a lot of things already. And what do I know about love? I mean, you have a big, big heart and there's room for more and I know that no matter how you deny it, I'm in there too. You can report this post as "harassing" now.

Chicken Fillet Thoughts

We are both dysfunctional right now. I don't know if it's a good idea that we are together. But at moments like this, it is someone like you who I truly need-- someone who can totally understand what I'm going through because you yourself is in the same exact disposition.

This is a sensitive time of my life right now. Forgive me if you think I am being too complicated. Even I do not know how to handle this. I only tell myself that I can do this, that this will pass, that things will be fine. I'll be okay. 

But for now, I am a mess though you tell me it does not show. Thank you for being there for me. I will work this out. I will settle this. It may take time but I'll be fine.

Welcome Back

Years apart and one of the first things he asked is if I believe in God. I looked at him and right then I realized he is my prayers come true. I said 'Yes'. He had always been in my prayers then. I thanked God everytime he was able to smile or laugh. I asked that he would always be healthy, that life would be gentle to him, that his dreams would come true, that wherever he is, I hope he is safe and happy. I prayed that he would always be humble, possess the wisdom he always had, and keep his heart gentle and just. Now he is standing in front of me and I know that all I asked then came true. 

But who am I kidding? We both know where my faith stands right now. I'm not there yet. Or maybe, I'm not there anymore.

Concealled

                  He said I'm walking without my head, walking without direction. And that I'm selfish and all I think about is my self. That I just take as I please and that I act as if I know everything. He said I need help but I'm too proud to ask for it.

               Well, you don't know me. You don't know my intentions, the things that are running in my head. Selfish? You don't know my sacrifices-- the things and people I gave up. You don't know what I truly want and the people I want to give all these. I've been a mess for a long time already but you never heard me complain. At my darkest days I never drag anyone down with me. I did try asking for help but I was told I was being weak, clumsy and dumb. I felt so alone for years but every time I reach out my hand,nobody was there to hold me so I taught myself to never pin my life to anybody and to always be the first one to leave. And here you are wanting to fix me as if you have figured me out already and now you will rescue me. You cannot just patch up my heart and revive it. It's not there anymore.

Let Me Touch You

I want beauty from the inside-- pure, glowing, and contagious. The kind that when I touch you, you'll feel beautiful too.

When You Love Each Other, It's Win-Win

Person: I do not aim to conquer, only to be unconquerable. To be the one who loves less or not at all. To exist as I always have. To do things as I always did. To emerge and carry on just as fine as when I started. To be understood a little, but never entirely, and never where it counts. To remain unreached, unchanged, and undisturbed--- only misimagined or misremembered. To be able to roll back after waking up one morning to an empty bed because some time in the night he just happened to change his mind, and, really, that’s okay. To not flinch at all when somebody mentions his name or when a tagged photo of him finds its way to my newsfeed or when I happen to catch a scent like his in a crowded department store. To calmly put down my cup and walk him to the door and say “Okay. Thanks. Bye.” and close it gently when he leaves so I can go back to the couch and unpause the television that’s probably rerunning a show that he probably hates anyway. To always have a packed suitcase under my study desk, and to always be in the position to choose which trip to book whenever I want and whatever the stakes may be. To never go out of my way for someone who doesn’t matter enough, because no one should matter that much in the first place. To give nothing that cannot be redeemed. To belong to nothing and to no one. To be completely myself.

Me:  I thought about it too and right then I knew that I can't be the one who loves less. I told you that unless it's mad, passionate love, it's a waste of my time. I demand so much and I intend to give as much or more. Easy come, easy go and it's okay. Always have a place to go but really, nowhere to stay. You give a part of yourself but not all, always holding back. It doesn't feel good holding back. And you thought you're so strong you move places, shut doors, and cut people just like that. But you always go back. I always go back. I can't explain it yet but there's that force, that certain surrender. Sometimes you have to lose yourself to know where you belong.

Things I will tell my younger self:

1.People break their promises. They don't always keep their word. So don't let your expectations high.
2.Don't compare yourself even if others will.
3.You are beautiful. 
4.Family is priority.
5.Laugh a lot.
6.You will fail sometimes. There's no shame in falling. It's an opportunity to do better.
7.It's okay to cry. In fact, you can cry in front of other people like maybe your friends and family.
8.It's okay to ask for help sometimes.
9.Remember who was there when you were at your darkest, at your lowest.
10.There is always hope.
11.Do not fall in love so easily. Don't just follow your heart. Lead it.
12.Have fun. Take the risks. But be wise. Be wiser, actually.
13.You don't owe anyone an explanation. Do what you want. It's your life, your masterpiece.