Magic or Manners?

It’s been two years. If there is anything that changed, it’s the fact that we are now more conscious of what we are up to, of what we expect from each other, and of what the consequences will be.

We are two young adults. We are rational human beings who know what is proper and what is not. Yet impulsive too. It's devastating how immaturity can make you feel so low. I feel sad about it but we made a deal not to feel sorry. We are just trying to be happy. Everyone deserves to be happy. Is that so wrong? Maybe.

I thought I’ll never him hear from him ever again. And it's a good thing not because I want him shunned from my life but because he is doing well already. He is happy. It gives me peace of mind when the people I care about are happy.

But months ago, he suddenly appeared on my phone. We get in touch again. It was purely for reconciliation purposes. We separated in not so good terms. We apologized to each other. At that moment, I felt we finally grew up. At least we learned from what happened between us. We have forgiven each other and are now ready to move on.

Then, he asked me if I will still accept him if he comes back for me. It wasn't really a serious question. Still, I said no. I mean, he is now with somebody. I don’t want to ruin any relationship even if in theory. And I was protecting my feelings too. If I will entertain the thought of him coming back, even just imaginary, even for just the tiniest speck of hope, I might hold on to it. Then, I will get hurt waiting and expecting. So, no.

He asked me to go over his place. Is that even constitutional? How can I go miles away just to see a man who is not even my boyfriend? Play hide-and-seek again? I thought we grew up.

Again, I said no. One, because I don’t know what to do with him when I see him, when it’s just the two of us together. Two, because I felt it was just a trap. Like he is just testing me if I am that easy to lure to his whims. He will be laughing so hard if I do. Third, he has a girlfriend already. I feel like I am betraying her if I went with him. I don’t really know her but still, I feel that bad.

I reminded myself I have manners. And with manners, I mean I have to respect the boyfriend of somebody else. I have to respect the decision of other people to be together. I will protect their commitment to each other. I have to stay away from him.

It was December, 2012. I went somewhere. I swear I had no predetermined plans to see him. I was there because I gave my word to some people. And maybe because I want to see someone too. I did not even inform him when I came there already. He told me ahead of time that his girlfriend will be coming too. I did not want to make a show so I kept my distance from him.

But sometimes, circumstances would force you to be honest with yourself. Sometimes, you just want to pretend that everything will be okay. Sometimes, you just want to be with someone who can make you feel less alone. 

He asked me to go out with him. I said yes.

Too much of manners. Damn you manners. And damn us.

What’s going on inside my head? I don't know. I refused to calculate. Shame.

I said we’re just two friends catching up. Yes, we are. Except that we watched Breaking Dawn 2 in theater. And we went on despite the stubborn rain. And that we had dinner together. And that he told his friends that he just went to see his cousin when in fact, he was with me. And believe me, we’re not cousins. And some in-betweens. But I constantly reminded myself to keep my head together. I don’t want to push myself that far. I am protecting my feelings.

Two friends catching up, huh.

A dream. I was dreaming while wide awake. It’s like I’m digging my own grave for a sweet death. We both know that when the morning comes, everything will be over. Well, I cannot stay. And him, he has to be with somebody else.

I wonder who the fool between us is. I wonder who is playing with anybody.

When we met again, I had my reservations already. I set boundaries. I was holding up on him. But still, it's easy to let him. I let him because I know that somehow, I am safe with him. He won’t hurt me. I mean, not literally because it did hurt a little when he bit my upper lip. But safe in a sense that he won’t push me into something I don’t want or something I am not ready to deal yet.

Then, it was time to leave. Again.

He said he wants me just for himself. I said that’s unfair. I mean, he can ask me to just be his but I can’t ask him to just be mine. I guess we are both playing safe. I know he will not just drop everything and be with me. He has been with her for a while now. He is also guaranteed that she is head-over-heels to him. He knows she is crazy over him and that he is the only one in her heart. How can he just leave a catch like that?

And me. How can I bet my heart to someone who feels safe with somebody else already? I have to protect my feelings too. She is stability. I am risk. He plays safe.

As they said, second chances don’t always mean a happy ending. Sometimes it’s just another shot to end things right. 

Was I just really one of the girls he toyed with? Is he really heartless, cruel, and selfish like that? Did I not really matter to him? Am I that easy for him to forget? It is easier to let go if I think he is all these.

But I can’t dare to accuse him these even if they’re true.

He plays safe. This is good enough reason to move on.

I will be alright. This is good enough reason too.  

Finale

Gratitude for the things you have, for the things you choose to keep.

Humility to understand that you cannot have everything you want. 

Faith to believe that whatever you lose or cannot do, it's God's plan.
There's a purpose in it.

But I'm not giving up.

Go Away, Pablo.

I was treading on wet land. Every now and then, I would have to hop a little or take bigger steps because small puddles are everywhere. A line of trees were uprooted and were helplessly scattered on the ground. Some houses stood intact but are now roofless. The Christmas lights were still attached on the huge mango tree only this time, they hang in an oddly fashion.

Finally, I’m home. I was hungry so I went right away to the kitchen. It’s a relief—no, it’s more than a relief—to find so many food on the table. Real food and cooked-- paksiw na Bangus, Chicken adobo, hotdog, tuna, and a casserole of rice. There are just so much of them to be consumed in a day or two. There are cookies, canned goods, noodles, a dozen of eggs, a gallon of drinking water, and boxes of milk too. Moreover, there are two flashlights, an umbrella, and a backpack of clothes. You would think someone is up for an overnight camping but no.

Pablo.

Everything is a testament that Pablo was here. The people knew he was coming and prepared for it. I was not here when he passed by but there are enough evidences to quantify what he has done.

Somehow I felt like I am Pablo. I come and I go. Only I am not sure if I have left enough traces for people to remember that I came. Or if I had done enough for people to feel my presence.

As Pablo was approaching CDO, I was also on my way to ZC. And as Pablo subsided, I was on my way back. Maybe I was off for an escape. Yes, it was an escape. But it was not Pablo that I was running away from. ZC could just be as vulnerable.

I was running away from…

Wait, was I running away from something? Or was I running to something?

Someone said it was an escape from reality. A break from the dreadful and busy world. A stolen moment of undue happiness. A short glimpse to the past. A dream.

I informed some people ahead of time that I’ll be there. They are people that I want to see. Maybe not just them, but they’re the ones I missed the most.

And there I was. I’m not really sure what to do. I just know I have to be there. It was a busy time for everyone but it didn’t made my stay any less wonderful. Yes, I wished I was able to talk more to people. It’s different when you personally ask somebody how he/she is doing than just inquiring someone else how everyone has been. But then again, the fact that people are being occupied means they are up to something relevant—they grew up, responsible, active, and happy. Isn’t that my goal? To know that they are all these? Somehow I succeed.

Some people showed up. Some people didn’t. Some people showed up but chose to ignore me. Some people were surprised I showed up. And some showed up when I thought they shouldn’t or wouldn’t.

Almost everybody changed. Longer hair. Skinnier. Taller. Bushy head. Mustache. Less friendly. Less hungry. Shorter hair. Chubbier. More daring. More sporty. More open.

And me. Maybe I changed too.

Or maybe I didn’t changed much.

I mean, everybody noticed how small I still am. I woke up in the dorm and still looked for coffee first thing in the morning. I’m still the shy girl who is overwhelmed by the crowd. I’m still the simple girl who refuses over-bearing accessories and heavy make-up.

Yes, I haven’t changed much.

I saw someone and my heart is still pounding so hard that I’m afraid to talk because my voice might shiver as well.

Yes, I haven’t changed much.

Somebody asked for me and I know I was willing to be dragged anywhere.

Yes, I haven’t changed much. I left. Again.

I wonder if there is something to remind the people that I was there. Just like Pablo—he has done so much that no one can deny his sudden appearance.

But nobody wants Pablo. He is dangerous and harmful. Everything he left only remind people of those tragic days. No one would like to be reminded of him coming.

Recently, people are saying that Pablo will come again to say “sorry”. But he wouldn’t. I mean, he might feel sorry for what he had done but he wouldn’t return.

It takes intense courage and a little insanity to go after a storm. 

It's not that kind of place Hiru-kin

It's not that kind of place Hiru-kin

“Hey, how’s your day?” asked Hiro-kun with a really bright smile. It’s easy to get annoyed whenever  he asks that. He knows my default answer yet he still asks anyway. Simply put it, if I say my day was awesome, he will accuse me to be guilty of deception.

I took a deep breath. I’m supposed to push him away. But I remembered my manners so I just gave him a thrifty smile and sat beside him.

It had become our ritual to witness the sunset every day. Well, it’s not like we have a choice. It’s the only time when he’s not busy restructuring the constitution and I’m not also busy watching plays.

The sky is a canvass of orange, purple, pink, yellow and red. The wind is gentle and moist. It’s a calm feeling. Unbothered and safe.

He is silently staring the open space. I see contentment in his eyes. He must have felt the same.

Then, a flock of birds passed by. It’s my cue to take off my shoes and get inside the house. But this time, I don’t want to go anywhere yet.

“You’re still here,” he said with his eyes still staring at the sky.

“Yeah.”

...

 “Hiro-kun…”

“Hmm?”

“Where will the birds go?”

“I don’t know. But it has to be some place that is clean and pleasant, right?” He chuckled.

“Yeah, right. Some place that is clean and pleasant. You like that too, don’t you?”

“Yes. I do.”

I noticed that the stars are becoming visible in the eastern part. He was watching the stars on the west side of the sky.

I wanted to look alive and beautiful until the last time Hiro-kun will see me. I don't want him to think I'm leaving with a miserable heart. 

I will appear pathetic that way, and tragic. 

"Why can you still smile like that?" he asked with modest disdain.

"Why not? I'm happy," I said, still arrogant of my really big smile that I suspect is starting to annoy him.

"You never change. You still think just of yourself."

"Nah... It's not like that. I just wanted to show you that going away does not have to be hard. I'm just a little goodbye, you know."

" You're a big goodbye for someone so small."

"Hiro-kun, remember what you told me before??"

"Which part?"

"You told me that when people decide to be apart, they don't have to end up hating each other. I don't hate you, Hiro-kun."

"You... you don't hate me?"

"I don't"

"You don't hate me. I'm curious on that."

I heard a swift trudging sound. My train is here.

I was about to stand up when suddenly,  he grasped my right hand.

"What are you doing?"

" I want to show you that when a man holds you're hand, he does not necessarily have to be sincerely in love with you."

He stood up and towered me.

" And not because a man is close to you at a certain moment in your whatever life you have, he will be there forever. It's either he does not really intend to stay long from the start or you just took him for granted."

"Hiro-kun..."

It was my turn to get inside.

"Bye."

"Don't be a stranger."

It's past ten in the evening. It's a cold and long night. 
When I wake up, it will be Mikoto already. 

I'm tired and there's no one to talk to. Sleeping right now should  be easy. But then, something heavy is filling my head...

Hiro-kun. It's threatening how he can confuse me all the time. No, I can't be wrong. 
I had been discerning on this for a long time. This is not wrong.

But then..

Why can I still feel his pat on my head?

Why can I still feel the grip of his hand? 

Why is he in my mind?

No, I should rather ask: When was he not?

I must be thinking too much.

I hate him for that.

I had always despised Hiro-kun.

He can make me vulnerable.

Her

He said I can be anything. He said I should be her. So, I'll be. :)

Hunger Games Trilogy: Quotes 101

These are random lines and/or dialogue in Hunger Games, Catching Fire, and Mockingjay. I can't help it. I reread the trilogy and I found myself more obsessed over it. So, I picked up some stuffs. :D

Sometimes things happen to people and they're not equipped to deal with them.

That if desperate times call for desperate measures, then I am free to act as desperately as I wish.

We are not just beautiful, we are dark and powerful. No, more. We star-crossed lovers from District
12, who suffered so much and enjoyed so little the rewards of our victory, do not seek the fans' favor, grace them with our smiles, or catch their kisses. We are unforgiving.


“Remember, we’re madly in love, so it’s all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.”
I jerk my head back but end up laughing. “Thanks, I’ll keep it in mind.”

“Pretty awful, huh?” says Peeta. He’s watching me closely.
“So-so.” I shrug like it’s no big deal.

..by teaming up with him, I’ve made myself far more vulnerable than when I was alone.

He understands I don't want anyone with me today. Not even him. Some walks you have to take alone.

Still, I hate them. But, of course, I hate almost everybody now. Myself more than anyone.

I squeeze my eyes shut and try to reach for him across the hundreds and hundreds of miles, to send
my thoughts into his mind, to let him know he is not alone.

Safe. Here. With me. In a minute I can touch him. See his smile. Hear his laugh.

For someone to make Peeta forget he loves me...no one could do that.

A need for revenge can burn long and hot. Especially if every glance in a mirror reinforces it.

"I think...you still have no idea. The effect you can have."

So alone that anyone, anything no matter how loathsome would be welcome.

"No, it's not okay for either of you. But I'm not asking anyone's permission."

To set a precedent, I guess. So that if in the future she ever fell from grace, it would be
understood that presidents--even the most despicable--get special treatment. Who knows,
after all, when her own power might fade?

That what I need to survive is not Gale's fire, kindled with rage and hatred. I have plenty of fire myself.
What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction.
The promise that life can go on, no matter how bad our losses. That it can be good again. And only Peeta
can give me that.

So after, when he whispers, "You love me. Real or not real?" I say, "Real."

And with a little extra help, some food, the right weapon, why should I count myself out of the Games?

He is luring you in to make you easy prey. The more likable he is, the more deadly he is.

“Remember, they already love you,” he says gently. “Just be yourself.”

“Maybe . . . because for the first time . . . there was a chance I could keep him,” I say.

 “So now that you've got me, what are you going to do with me?”
I turn in to him. “Put you somewhere you can’t get hurt.”

"They can't hurt me. I'm not like the rest of you. There's no one left I love,"

I realize only one person will be damaged beyond repair if Peeta dies. Me.

Still, the sensation's so unexpected and sweet I cling to it, if only for a few moments.

Power. I have a kind of power I never knew I possessed.

My fingers wrap around Gale's wrist. "Do not leave my side," I say under my breath.
"I'm right here," he answers quietly.

"So, what do you think they'll do to him?" I ask.
"Whatever it takes to break you." 
What will break me? What will break me into a million pieces so that I am beyond repair,
 beyond usefulness? I mention it to no one, but it devours my waking hours...

You don't destroy what you want to acquire in the future.

It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart.

That you do love him. I'm not saying in what way. Maybe you don't know yourself. But
anyone paying attention could see how much you care about him.

 "I know he was desperate. That makes people do all kinds of crazy things."-Gale

Maybe it's more than the festivities. Maybe it's that we are all so starved for something good to happen
that we want to be part of it.

It takes a long time before I get to the bottom of why I'm so upset. When I do, it's almost too mortifying to
admit... Finally, he can see me for who I really am. Violent. Distrustful. Manipulative. Deadly.
And I hate him for it.

I realize, for the first time, how very lonely I’ve been in the arena. How comforting the presence of another human being can be.

Destroying things is much easier than making them.

He’s very hard to predict, which might be interesting under different circumstances, but at the moment only provides an extra obstacle.

“Thanks for finding me.”
“You would have found me if you could,”

I’m just going to have to trust that whatever instinct sent me to find him was a good one.

"Who can’t lie, Peeta?” I say, even though he can’t hear me.
It doesn’t matter. The rest of Panem can. (after drugging Peeta to sleep so she can go out alone to face the err.. enemies. Peeta won't let her.)

Oh, Gale, I think. If only you had my back now . . .

...thinking only of myself, he was here, thinking only of me. Shame isn't a strong enough word for what I feel.

I open my mouth, planning to start off with some kind of joke, and burst into tears.
So much for being strong.

Given the circumstances, I guess I deserve one day of indulgence.

“I don’t know, I just . . . couldn’t bear the thought of .. . being without him.”

I take his hand, holding on tightly, preparing for the cameras, and dreading the moment when I will finally have to let go.

So thankful to have someone else on my side, even if it's only temporarily.

Streetlight

This is an old post written on October 12, 2009.

I think I got used to this already. There is no excuse for me not to. I may be on a different corner of the earth but the setting is familiar to me. And no doubt that this scene will not change for a while. Eventually, this setting might remain forever.

This is the hour I usually find myself confused on the date. Somehow, I forgot that I am approaching early morn. The busy day left me unaware that the day's 24 hours has come to pass already. It is funny why sometimes, I think 24 hours a day is not enough.

Here I am again. I'm going back to this another home of mine-- to the dormitory. Yes, it is a lot like home specially when I am on my way at this very hour. Nothing so different. It is monotonous.

The stars. The navy blue sky. And sometimes, the moon. Sometimes, the fading cottony clouds. The street lights. The concrete pavement I tread. The cold breeze. The threat on the shadows. The consciousness of danger. The awareness of me being here alone. It would really be best if I am truly alone. I do not mind to hurry. I will get there soon enough. I deserve this leisure moment. This silence and calmness does not exist on the other time of the day. It is only now. I shall grab it. This is my peace of mind.

Yes. Mother still thinks I am with company. Just like the old times. I never told her that I actually go home alone walking the street this late-- or shall I say almost dawn. She would surely panic and will never allow me to go out. Too overprotective. I appreciate the safety she hold dear but how I wish I can explain to her that this lone walk I usually have is simply inevitable. She assumes that some friends drop me by, or drive me home, or accompany me back. Well, I do have companions. However, mother think of human companions when this time, I actually have the stars, moon, wind and stray dogs.

Disclaimer: This photo is not mine. It is more current too-- taken on 2011.
But it's the same place I am referring to when I wrote this.
Credits to the photographer. :)

I only have one explanation for this phenomenon of why I am alone walking along this street. Well, no one else is destined to be here but me. Others' homes are far away. And for this moment, for this life, I am but to travel alone until perhaps, someone else will walk with me.

When I refrain from walking again with anybody else, I knew then that the consequence would include me being in the dark without chaperone whatsoever. But I accept the cost. I am happy myself. The stars, moon, sky, streetlight, threat, wind, mom thinking I am with someone else and safe, barks-- they are a package. Haha. This is the life I choose. This is serenity. This is peace of mind.

Mask

Who really are you?

What do you really want?

Should I believe what they say about you

Or should I believe what you say to me?

You see, my own rationalization might not be reliable.

You paralyze my reasons.

You corrupt my values.

Sometimes, man feels the urge and the need to be a little evil.

You bring me to those times.

I'm aware that you only mean harm.

But I don't stop you. I won't.

Maybe because I want to. 

I love how we do things wrong.

We are like kids playing hide-and-seek-- running away to be free.

But isn't it ironic?

I cannot comprehend what part of hiding suggests freedom.

We know what is proper yet we choose to deviate from it.

We choose to live in the shadows.

We choose to wear masks.
We choose to conceal many things.

We choose to make everything temporary.
Like a spectator that silently watches how things will turn out.
Observing. Scheming. Manipulating.

But I cannot love a mask.
I cannot love someone I cannot trust.
And I'll never understand you because you won't tell me.
You are like a drug to me-- the wrong kind of drug to take.
And a relationship under the shadows is not healthy.


Maybe one of us has underestimated the other.
Maybe I am not that shallow to always concede.
Maybe you are not  that scared to try.
Maybe you do not really want to always hide.
Maybe we want to quit playing now.
Maybe both of us has taken each other for granted.
Maybe we can be more than who we are.
Maybe we can afford to be real. 
Maybe we deserve freedom too.

I wonder what it takes for you to take off your mask.

I never walked with you under the sun.
I never heard your laughter so close enough.
I never really saw you smile in front of me.
If only you would take off your mask, 
I will hold you hand and take all your fears away.
I will tell you that, "It's okay,"
You are free. You are alive. You have a soul.

I cannot see you in the shadows.

I cannot hold you there.

If that's the case, I have to let go.