NOTE: This is an old note written six years ago.
This is not impulse and boredom conspiring. Maybe this is even long overdue for us. It's okay. These past few days are enough to convince me that it is not a mistake to be with you.
Maybe we don’t have to know everything about each other. Maybe we don’t have to know about what lies ahead. Right now, these things do not matter. You take care of me and I take care of you. We don’t have much time to be together but it’s okay.
I will believe you when you say you love me. I won’t stop myself from saying I love you too.
This place is strange for us both but we will get lost in it together. Don’t let go of my hand and don’t leave by my side. Lead and I will follow. You can take me anywhere. I will go with you.
We will take pictures of us with smiles of pure delight. We will laugh as hard and as often as we can. We will let go of anxieties and fears. We will pretend that this thing we have, it will never end.
I wish I can take you with me. Or I wish I can go with you. But not yet. Nobody can take anybody home yet. That doesn't make this thing we have less genuine though.
So, tighten the grip of your hand because I need to feel you’re still with me. I am actually scared right now and my fear is creeping deeper into me in each passing hour.
From the start it was clear that this is not going anywhere. And I thought I had done enough to prepare myself on our pre-determined departure. Well, I know I will be alright. You will be alright too. It’s just hard to take that right now, I am very happy and I cannot stay like this.
…..........................................................................................
It will be morning soon. I want to stay awake because I want to spend the remaining few hours consciously with you. But I am tired already. So, I sleep. I sleep with tears that I cannot stop from falling. Maybe it’s because I’m so happy right now. I never felt peace in my heart as much as this. And maybe because I know I will lose you when I wake up.
Somehow I wish I met you differently. But then, things might not turn as wonderful as this. I should not be sad that we have to stop midway. Rather, I should be grateful for having you in my life even just for just a short time, even if just temporary, even if I have to give up so soon. Thank you for the happy memories. Thank you for making me feel special, cherished, and loved. I wish I made you feel the same way.
…..........................................................................................
So, this is it. Hold my hands for the last time. Let me look at your face. Let me look at your eyes. It’s hard but I will try to smile because I want you to remember me that way. I will not be the girl who leaves with a heavy heart. I will be the girl who is thankful for everything. I don’t regret meeting you. I don’t regret every minute I spent with you. The memories are enough to sustain me to stay strong and go on. I want you to go home strong too. We will be alright.
The world that is waiting for me is a place where it does not matter whatever is in my heart. It is a world where I cannot afford to hold on to you or to your memory. Somebody else is waiting there for me.
And you, I would not give you the chance to choose whether to hold on or not. I want you free. I cannot take care of you yet. You ought to be cherished and protected. I cannot be that person yet.
If it's meant to be, it will be.
