Magic or Manners?

It’s been two years. If there is anything that changed, it’s the fact that we are now more conscious of what we are up to, of what we expect from each other, and of what the consequences will be.

We are two young adults. We are rational human beings who know what is proper and what is not. Yet impulsive too. It's devastating how immaturity can make you feel so low. I feel sad about it but we made a deal not to feel sorry. We are just trying to be happy. Everyone deserves to be happy. Is that so wrong? Maybe.

I thought I’ll never him hear from him ever again. And it's a good thing not because I want him shunned from my life but because he is doing well already. He is happy. It gives me peace of mind when the people I care about are happy.

But months ago, he suddenly appeared on my phone. We get in touch again. It was purely for reconciliation purposes. We separated in not so good terms. We apologized to each other. At that moment, I felt we finally grew up. At least we learned from what happened between us. We have forgiven each other and are now ready to move on.

Then, he asked me if I will still accept him if he comes back for me. It wasn't really a serious question. Still, I said no. I mean, he is now with somebody. I don’t want to ruin any relationship even if in theory. And I was protecting my feelings too. If I will entertain the thought of him coming back, even just imaginary, even for just the tiniest speck of hope, I might hold on to it. Then, I will get hurt waiting and expecting. So, no.

He asked me to go over his place. Is that even constitutional? How can I go miles away just to see a man who is not even my boyfriend? Play hide-and-seek again? I thought we grew up.

Again, I said no. One, because I don’t know what to do with him when I see him, when it’s just the two of us together. Two, because I felt it was just a trap. Like he is just testing me if I am that easy to lure to his whims. He will be laughing so hard if I do. Third, he has a girlfriend already. I feel like I am betraying her if I went with him. I don’t really know her but still, I feel that bad.

I reminded myself I have manners. And with manners, I mean I have to respect the boyfriend of somebody else. I have to respect the decision of other people to be together. I will protect their commitment to each other. I have to stay away from him.

It was December, 2012. I went somewhere. I swear I had no predetermined plans to see him. I was there because I gave my word to some people. And maybe because I want to see someone too. I did not even inform him when I came there already. He told me ahead of time that his girlfriend will be coming too. I did not want to make a show so I kept my distance from him.

But sometimes, circumstances would force you to be honest with yourself. Sometimes, you just want to pretend that everything will be okay. Sometimes, you just want to be with someone who can make you feel less alone. 

He asked me to go out with him. I said yes.

Too much of manners. Damn you manners. And damn us.

What’s going on inside my head? I don't know. I refused to calculate. Shame.

I said we’re just two friends catching up. Yes, we are. Except that we watched Breaking Dawn 2 in theater. And we went on despite the stubborn rain. And that we had dinner together. And that he told his friends that he just went to see his cousin when in fact, he was with me. And believe me, we’re not cousins. And some in-betweens. But I constantly reminded myself to keep my head together. I don’t want to push myself that far. I am protecting my feelings.

Two friends catching up, huh.

A dream. I was dreaming while wide awake. It’s like I’m digging my own grave for a sweet death. We both know that when the morning comes, everything will be over. Well, I cannot stay. And him, he has to be with somebody else.

I wonder who the fool between us is. I wonder who is playing with anybody.

When we met again, I had my reservations already. I set boundaries. I was holding up on him. But still, it's easy to let him. I let him because I know that somehow, I am safe with him. He won’t hurt me. I mean, not literally because it did hurt a little when he bit my upper lip. But safe in a sense that he won’t push me into something I don’t want or something I am not ready to deal yet.

Then, it was time to leave. Again.

He said he wants me just for himself. I said that’s unfair. I mean, he can ask me to just be his but I can’t ask him to just be mine. I guess we are both playing safe. I know he will not just drop everything and be with me. He has been with her for a while now. He is also guaranteed that she is head-over-heels to him. He knows she is crazy over him and that he is the only one in her heart. How can he just leave a catch like that?

And me. How can I bet my heart to someone who feels safe with somebody else already? I have to protect my feelings too. She is stability. I am risk. He plays safe.

As they said, second chances don’t always mean a happy ending. Sometimes it’s just another shot to end things right. 

Was I just really one of the girls he toyed with? Is he really heartless, cruel, and selfish like that? Did I not really matter to him? Am I that easy for him to forget? It is easier to let go if I think he is all these.

But I can’t dare to accuse him these even if they’re true.

He plays safe. This is good enough reason to move on.

I will be alright. This is good enough reason too.