Person: I do not aim to conquer, only to be unconquerable. To be the one who loves less or not at all. To exist as I always have. To do things as I always did. To emerge and carry on just as fine as when I started. To be understood a little, but never entirely, and never where it counts. To remain unreached, unchanged, and undisturbed--- only misimagined or misremembered. To be able to roll back after waking up one morning to an empty bed because some time in the night he just happened to change his mind, and, really, that’s okay. To not flinch at all when somebody mentions his name or when a tagged photo of him finds its way to my newsfeed or when I happen to catch a scent like his in a crowded department store. To calmly put down my cup and walk him to the door and say “Okay. Thanks. Bye.” and close it gently when he leaves so I can go back to the couch and unpause the television that’s probably rerunning a show that he probably hates anyway. To always have a packed suitcase under my study desk, and to always be in the position to choose which trip to book whenever I want and whatever the stakes may be. To never go out of my way for someone who doesn’t matter enough, because no one should matter that much in the first place. To give nothing that cannot be redeemed. To belong to nothing and to no one. To be completely myself.
Me: I thought about it too and right then I knew that I can't be the one who loves less. I told you that unless it's mad, passionate love, it's a waste of my time. I demand so much and I intend to give as much or more. Easy come, easy go and it's okay. Always have a place to go but really, nowhere to stay. You give a part of yourself but not all, always holding back. It doesn't feel good holding back. And you thought you're so strong you move places, shut doors, and cut people just like that. But you always go back. I always go back. I can't explain it yet but there's that force, that certain surrender. Sometimes you have to lose yourself to know where you belong.
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