I Need Time

I need time 

For myself

To totally let go of the past

And to start again.

I need time

To fix what needs fixing

To make my heart whole again

To heal.

I need time

So I can love again

Without holding back

Without reservations or partiality.

I need time

To be able to say that

When I give my heart, I give my all

And say it proud.

I need time

To make myself whole again

To give as much love as I can

To make loving worth it all.

I need time

So that should I love again

I’ll be fair to the person

And my love will be pure.

. 

You Know What's Real?

Do you know what is real?

It’s the tap on the shoulder

You feel the weight when it’s there.

It’s the fingers entwining

A grip that doesn’t easily let go.

It’s the smile you witness

Intentionally shown in front of you.

It’s those words that you hear

Coming from somewhere close.

It’s when you walk along

And you have to slow down,

Or it’s when you complain

That you can’t walk as fast.

It’s when you get to say a lot of things

And at the same time you’re happy listening.

It’s when a face occupies your mind

Anytime, anywhere, and you don’t stop.

My heart is real.

My love is real.

And you know what else is real?

She is real.

Your love for her is real.

What she is and what she'll be

Is everything I will never be.

This Voice in My Head: Talking to Myself

What do you like?                                                                                 

I don't know. Anything?

What do you like not?

Everything?

Are you scared?

I don't know. Why would I?

Anything bothering you?

Everything does. Confused, I guessed.

What's your concern?

Not knowing what to do and not knowing what I should know.

Anything too hard to solve?

Well, I know I cannot stay. But I don't know where to go either.

What do you want to do now?

Shun these thoughts. They are creeping in my mind.

What are these thoughts?

Can't define. But they bother me too much. I don't know.

What do you want to do with them?

I want them to go away.

Why?

Because they are not healthy for me. They make me less normal.

Don't you want to just fix them?

I wish I could. But they're untreatable.

How many are they?

Too many. It hurts to think all of them altogether at the same time.

Give me an example.

Well, what's gonna happen if I stay in bed all day?

And?

And I won't give a damn about those funny schoolworks.

More.

Will I ever be happy?

Aren't you happy?

I don't know. Why should I ?

Why should you not?

I don't know.

Anything else?

Am I broken? Or I'm just empty?

What do you think?

I don't know. I'm more of being tired.

Why would you be broken?

I was hurt.

By whom?

Can't tell. They're faceless, but too many in number.

Ok. So, why would you be empty?

Actually, I wanna be empty. It's a condition I want to be.

Why?

I'm so occupied with bothering thoughts. I want to get rid of them.

But I thought you can't.

I know. That's why I thought I should be the one moving instead.

But if you go, you will leave everyone.

It's fine. Sometimes I have to travel alone.

Won't you miss them?

I will not forget them. I will just expand my horizon. But not forget my origin.

But you can't go too far yet.

I know. That's why I sleep.

Why would you sleep?

Well, if I'm unconscious, I tend to forget everything. For awhile, I'm free.

It does really hurt, doesn't it?

I don't know. I got used with the pain. I seem numb to it.

Wanna cry?

I can't. Tears don't fall anymore.

Scream?

I don't know. I tried, but it hurts too much I don't know what to say.

How do you feel now?

I don't wanna feel anything.

I'm fine.

Collector's Item

   If I would wish of anyone to follow us here, it wouldn’t be you. Specifically, I would want that guy to be here and not you. But what can I do. That guy is always busy, always choosing school chores over people. And if he was here, he would be on the other room right now and already deeply asleep. Moreover, anytime, anywhere, he would not look at anybody because he’s stubbornly into her. 

                It’s not that I am affected of his feelings toward anybody. And it’s not that I miss him right now. No, it’s not like that at all. It’s just that I would rather have him beside me and not you.  

                Anyway, you’re here now. 

                Maybe it’s the full-blast air conditioner. It made both of us realize that it is wise to spread the blanket up until our shoulders. We’re leaning against the wall and the laptop is on the other side of the bed. Windstruck is on the screen.

                *something cute happened here*

                The sun was already peeping on the window when we decided to sleep. And yes, all the while I was a bit amazed that your phone didn’t keep you so occupied.

                Then we woke up. I was the first one to leave. I have no reason to stay there anyway.

               

                Thoughts poured over me like raindrops over ceiling-less house—they keep on coming. I thought of what happened months before, of the things I said that I should have not, and of the things I should have said but didn’t.  

Well, just days ago you wrote something. It was about you breaking somebody’s heart and that somebody breaking yours. And now, you want both of you to fix things. It’s not that I feel obliged to react on that but I found it an interesting topic to discuss. It’s not every day that a guy would openly admit his naughtiness and try to improve his lifestyle, you know.

Anyway, there are just so many Somebody in your life. I don’t know if there really is that one specific person that you want things to work out right now. And I won’t know if you’re being sincere. Nevertheless, as a woman, let me tell you these things…

You’re not as evil as you think you are. You’re capable of being serious on only one woman. I know you know that, and you had done that already. You just have to find that one person who can keep your attention altogether just for her. And when you find her, concentrate just to her. 

When you find her, treat her well. Tell her you love her and tell her all the time. Commit to her and don’t make your relationship a secret. Not everybody is given the opportunity to shout to the whole world their feelings to somebody. 

You know, no matter what you had done, no matter what other people think and say about you, and no matter how difficult you seem to love, if she really is into you, she wouldn’t mind. She will accept all of you, support you, and help you make your life better. 

Find that woman. And when you find her, keep her and only her.

Maybe you feel proud of the collection you had made. Really, not everybody can make such an achievement. But if I were you, I would rather feel frustrated and retarded. Somehow, I am familiar of that feeling when you’d met a lot of people in your life already yet up until now, you’re still left unsettled. It’s supposed to be frustrating, you know. 

So, gather yourself together. Choose to be a better person. Be a loyal lover. Every woman deserved to be loved only sincerely and faithfully. 

Anyway, thank you for clearing up my mind. Because of you I realized that as of the moment, I would rather be that guy’s friend than be anybody else’s girlfriend. 

I'm Moving

Last night, I spent some time reflecting what it is that I truly want at this point of my life. It seems like I’ve been taking for granted my decisions. Seems like I’ve been diverging away from what I planned beforehand.

Yes. For awhile I wanted change. I wanted to see the other side of the world. I wanted to know if I could be something else. I wanted to break the monotony of what seems to be a routinary life of mine. I wanted to feel alive.

Suddenly, I felt I lost my true intentions. Or was it necessary to change my dreams? I guess it was just proper to desire change because anyway, it was a little girl who formulated those dreams yesterday. Now, she has grown up and she has to realize that there are more relevant things that need to get done.

I wanted to believe that I have not lost my way. I wanted to believe that whatever twist I am feeling right now is a necessary step towards reality, towards maturity.

And there is this funny question that lingers in my mind: wherever I wish to go from here, do I go there alone?

Of course I ask for help but I taught myself to stand on my own two feet. I had walked alone.

Life for me is a journey and I know that along the way, I will meet a lot of faces. And I watched those people special to me just pass by. Sometimes, I felt like I was left behind. Or was it me who went ahead?

A friend of mine, Dr. Bear :P, told me to move forward. Well, here I am. :)

The Window

The first time I saw you,

You were always looking outside the window.

I learned to look at you.

I looked at you as you looked outside the window.

Now, I don’t see you.

I am looking outside the window.

I want to wake up one day not looking at you,

But not also looking outside the window.

The Compass

I don’t know what’s making me live. I don’t know what’s making me want to do things. I go to school. I do my own thing here. I am miles away from home. I have no family. I am in charge of everything I need here.

I wake up each morning. I fix myself and drag myself to the classroom. Often I fake a smile. I laugh when people laugh. I torture myself by listening to boring class discussions. I engage myself in ridiculous and sometimes entirely irrelevant classroom activities. 

But I am tired. Really, if you just could read my mind, you would understand that sometimes, I really want to give up. It feels sad walking alone. It feels sad doing things alone.

I just convince myself I am tough. I am strong and can handle myself perfectly. Well, I really am. I had survived for years already with this kind of lifestyle. But in my mind, I was never really alone.

Because in everything I do, I think of you. Whenever I stay late at night doing homework, I think of how you are also on the other side industriously doing your homework too. That when I feel I’m too tired, I would think of how you would never allow yourself to be devoured with laziness. That you always find ways to do things and you would never allow yourself not to be able to do things. 

You don’t easily give up. That you don’t let your emotion become a hindrance to be efficient and productive. That you always have your focus. That you know what you want, what you need, and you always have a way to get them. That you are decisive, not easily bothered by tiny matters, and a survivor.

So when I am about to give up, I would think of how I badly do not want to fail you. I want you to be proud of me. And so I have to do things well. I cannot be lazy. I cannot be upset. I cannot be stopped.

When I am confused and unable to make a decision, I would think of what you would do if you were on my place. And suddenly, I get the answers.

And when I cannot find any incentive to do things enthusiastically, I would remember how you smile whenever I am about to do something. Your smile always makes me want to do things so well. Your smile empowers me. Your smile makes me think you are counting on me.

I wake up every morning. I know each day is dull and uninteresting. The things I do are routinary. Sometimes they make me so tired, frustrated, sad and bored. But when I think of you, everything gain color. Everything becomes something worth doing. 

This life becomes worth living. It doesn’t really matter where you are. I keep you in my heart, always.