The Window

The first time I saw you,

You were always looking outside the window.

I learned to look at you.

I looked at you as you looked outside the window.

Now, I don’t see you.

I am looking outside the window.

I want to wake up one day not looking at you,

But not also looking outside the window.

The Compass

I don’t know what’s making me live. I don’t know what’s making me want to do things. I go to school. I do my own thing here. I am miles away from home. I have no family. I am in charge of everything I need here.

I wake up each morning. I fix myself and drag myself to the classroom. Often I fake a smile. I laugh when people laugh. I torture myself by listening to boring class discussions. I engage myself in ridiculous and sometimes entirely irrelevant classroom activities. 

But I am tired. Really, if you just could read my mind, you would understand that sometimes, I really want to give up. It feels sad walking alone. It feels sad doing things alone.

I just convince myself I am tough. I am strong and can handle myself perfectly. Well, I really am. I had survived for years already with this kind of lifestyle. But in my mind, I was never really alone.

Because in everything I do, I think of you. Whenever I stay late at night doing homework, I think of how you are also on the other side industriously doing your homework too. That when I feel I’m too tired, I would think of how you would never allow yourself to be devoured with laziness. That you always find ways to do things and you would never allow yourself not to be able to do things. 

You don’t easily give up. That you don’t let your emotion become a hindrance to be efficient and productive. That you always have your focus. That you know what you want, what you need, and you always have a way to get them. That you are decisive, not easily bothered by tiny matters, and a survivor.

So when I am about to give up, I would think of how I badly do not want to fail you. I want you to be proud of me. And so I have to do things well. I cannot be lazy. I cannot be upset. I cannot be stopped.

When I am confused and unable to make a decision, I would think of what you would do if you were on my place. And suddenly, I get the answers.

And when I cannot find any incentive to do things enthusiastically, I would remember how you smile whenever I am about to do something. Your smile always makes me want to do things so well. Your smile empowers me. Your smile makes me think you are counting on me.

I wake up every morning. I know each day is dull and uninteresting. The things I do are routinary. Sometimes they make me so tired, frustrated, sad and bored. But when I think of you, everything gain color. Everything becomes something worth doing. 

This life becomes worth living. It doesn’t really matter where you are. I keep you in my heart, always. 

Moon and Star

It’s past five in the afternoon, I decided to go out and take a stroll around my grandma’s vegetable garden. I realize I haven't visited it since I came home. Actually, I felt my head breaking. It was damn creeping into me. Headache, I say. So perhaps some fresh air and green leaves might help.

Across the distance, I could see some mountain. It's nebulous but I know I was there already. It's where I often see the sun setting while the sky is filled with hues of pink, orange, yellow, some blue and indigo, and red. But as of that moment, it was smoky, like as if the dawn just broke.

Then, I noticed the moon just above me. The sky was still fresh blue. I tried to look for some stars but I failed to see even one. Yet I know there is that single star which always accompanies the moon. It was kinda weird I could not see it too.

The moon. It was beautiful. It was in gibbous phase. It was not so round then and the light seems to come from the east. Part of it is in shadow. But it was still beautiful. And I will regret forever if I cannot take a picture of it. I know soon enough, this scene will change and may not come back anymore. It is therefore best to keep an image of it. So I took a shot through my phone.

Suddenly, I noticed a kite flying. I wonder who was flying it. I tried to widen my sight but the shrubs are far too high for me to see the other side. It seems to be pointing to something. And there, I traced the direction it seems to point. The star I’ve been looking for.

It was beautiful too. It was as bright as the moon, and it even twinkled. For me, it's more beautiful than the moon. I tried to take a picture of it but it was too small to be clearly shot. I have to be contented in imagining it later on.

Then I started calculating the distance between the moon and the star. To think about it, they were both on the same sky. They typically appear together. They share the same hour of the day to be visible. And most of the time, they complement each other to become a sight more wonderful and more beautiful. Moreover, I noticed that even if the rest of the stars are not around, that special star is still present. It stays with the moon, like a constant companion. And they are both lovely.

To where I am standing, the moon surely looks far bigger than the star. But I know that the star is a lot greater in size compared to the moon. The star is just quite farther. But it surely is huge enough to even destroy the whole moon.

I guess the moon won't be that safe is the star is that close to her. And even if that two seem to be just next to each other, I know that is only an illusion because the truth is that a wide, wide distance is between them. And that distance has to be respected and maintained to guarantee the safety of the moon.

But what if the star wants to be really closer to the moon? Does the moon want to be closer to the star too? Is there a way? Or would that seemingly side-by-side position of illusion be enough?

I guess sometimes, some things are just not meant to be together. They may share the same environment and they may need the same stuffs for survival but that does not guarantee they can be really close, really close.

My Wings

My wings may be a little damaged now, but I can still fly. I can still touch the sky. I'm hurt, my wings were wounded, but I can still dream. I can still try. I may have to do things a little differently, but I can do them.

And it's true that in the absence of my wings, I feel so small. That oftentimes, I fall. But when I'm down, I won't stay there.

It's a very far place I wish to go. Sometimes, I don't even know how to get there. But I’m sure I'll be there. I just may need time.

I'm so eager to be there already. But I'll fly one day at a time. When I'm tired, I'll pause for awhile, and then fly again. My wings may be wounded, but with bleeding wings I learn the dangers on my flight. And I will be more aware, and be better guarded.

Perhaps I am being careless. But sometimes, I feel it is somebody's fault. Many were trying to hinder me, trap me, and pull me down. They attempt to hurt me, and sometimes they succeed. And sometimes, I can't make them stop.

I'm hurt enough. But I will try to stay strong. I have no other way out but to move on, face whatever is there, and fly. I’m alone with wounded wings. But I am still capable to soar high and measure the heights. 

 You are my wings.

Last Na 'To

 ….I never thought that following my heart can be this difficult. I never thought that my limitations can be this narrow…..

There are a lot of things that I just cannot say directly. There are feelings I cannot just describe openly. There are questions I cannot inquire to anyone. There are thoughts that are bothering me, thoughts that no matter how I get hurt because of them, I just keep them to myself. 

                I have a lot of reasons why I refrain discussing my real feelings. First of all, I care to the people around me. I don’t want them to feel the burden I bear. I don’t want them to be involved in my struggles because I know they have their own difficult struggles too. Second, I don’t want to get disappointed by receiving insignificant or empty answers. Most of the time, when I ask certain people about effective things to do, I often get no response. And sometimes, if I get a response, it was not much helpful anyway. My guilt of having the friend bothered because of making him/her involved exceeds the benefit I get in soliciting from his/her opinion. 

                And lastly, I was used to fight alone. I was used not to cry in front of everyone, not even in front of my mother or siblings. I always keep myself look as if always in control of situations. They should never see me weak. They should never see my real weakness. I cannot afford being weak.

                But deep inside, I suffer. I cry silently, tearlessly. I always have instant advice for anyone for any situation. But I actually doubt where I am going. I am full of uncertainties. I doubt myself, my skill, my decisions, and my goal. No one ever told me what to do. And if I ask anyone, they just support what I had planned beforehand. 

                Until I met him, I had never been confident with my life and with my system of living. He is one person who seems to understand how I feel without me explaining to him. He seems to know the truth behind every laughter and smiles I portray. He knows how badly I may want something and he knows how badly I feel should I fail. 

He has the thrifty smiles that make me want to do things perfectly if possible. He is the only one person I see in the midst of the crowd. He is the only one I think about when I am away from home. He is the one person who made me appreciate my life and gave me courage to live life the way I want it, the way it pleases me. He taught me not to be afraid to make mistakes and to stand again whenever I fall. 

He helped me understand the beauty of living and the power of believing in love.

But of all the people I had acquainted with, he is the person I cannot just say the name. How I wish I can spell his name here and say thank you. Thank you for everything!!  I really tried to grow up so fast so that I can cope up with the way he comprehends things. I wanted to be mature so that when I share my thoughts to him, they would be wise and significant thoughts. 

And yes, he is the person who had hurt me the most yet the person who made me feel the most genuine happiness. I learned to claim my feelings and not be afraid or embarrassed that I feel them. I had learned to speak up my mind and never mind the consequences later. What is important is that I had reflected my every action to be right and that I take responsibility of them.

Anyway, the greatest thing I learned from him was to believe that each person has a heart—and when that heart is activated, the innate goodness of the person will show. No matter how unloving a person may seem, give a try to love him. Respect him because in reality, a person like that is a person who needs loving the most. 

Do not judge people. They don’t need your scrutinizing evaluation of them. They simply need your understanding, your respect, your love, and a little of your tolerance. Accept them, and when they are ready, tell them the things they may improve to make them better people. Have a supportive attitude towards them and always remind them to always choose to do what is right, what is proper, and what is good. Help them understand that genuine happiness is never selfish.

I have already accepted the reality that he won’t be a part of my future anymore. However, his influence in my life is too deep and too strong that his memory never fails to enter my mind every now and then.

And when his memory visits my mind, I do not feel regret or frustrations. Rather, I feel gratitude for having known a person like him. I guess it would be a sin to forget him.

Now, it seems that whenever I am in a dilemma, I would ask myself, “IF he was here, what would he do?” And suddenly, I know what to do. 

I guess, when someone had made your heart smile and had made yourself strong, you would never forget the way he did it. And wherever you are, even if that person is no longer with you, your heart will always be smiling and you will always be strong. 

On Goodbye

            Time is like a candle wax. If lit, it gives glow. Then it melts, it vanishes. Time is limited.

            Life is like a Ferris wheel ride. It goes up and it goes down. The people in the ride are filled with fear, surprise, joy, worry, excitement. But soon, the fun stops.

            Life is a journey. Time gives its length. Often, it ends before we calculated it would. Some are left complaining because they did not have enough. Some would be grateful because their misery was cut short. 

            But how would End be welcomed if it is addressed to someone who is too afraid to lose someone so dear? How would you leave someone whom you know would have a really hard time living without you? 

            How would you continue a journey left empty by the departure of someone you love?

            I don't want to leave. I don't want to be left. But I know no one can stay. 

            People are considered away when they are in far, far places, when they communicate us no more, when we don't remember them anymore, when they intend not to notice us, when they die.

            It's when we wake up one morning and realize we won't hear their laughter anymore; no  more traces of their smiles. It's when they won't hear anymore our “I love you”, “thank you”, “sorry”, and our “I'll miss you”. It's when their hands are too far to hold. 

            But the saddest absence is when we appear to be invisible in their  eyes. It's when we're just in front of them yet they choose not to notice us. Whether they are right beside us or they have their unannounced departure, it doesn't make a difference. Either way, we fail to tell them how much we care. 

            If they are to return or not is a question only time can tell.

            We are in a journey where thousands of faces come and cross our way. Some give us pleasure, some to challenge us. Sometimes, we are desperate to get rid of people. At times, we are dying to keep those who give us joy, protection, acceptance, and romantically, affection. 

            But no one can tell how long people will and can stay with us. Just like when we cannot assure them how long we will and can stay with them too. 

            It may be a cruel reality that someone so dear has to leave us. But on the glorious side, that someone knows that in this world, no one else can give them the kind of care and joy we gave them.  

           Goodbyes are inevitable. Still, we can choose to spend time to the fullest. It is when we escape from the fact that today might be the last. When all we think is today while those dear to us are still with us. And of course, when we tell them just how much they mean to us before we depart.

            Departure can only be wonderful when years pass by, then they remember us, and an honest smile draws to their lips.

            And no matter how short our time was, still we made other people appreciate life because we exist.

The Last Regular Schoolday

It was almost 6 pm. Some of the graduating students were busy filling up forms for academic and extracurricular activities. 

The school’s curfew hour is 5 pm so most of the students were expected to be out already.  I was alone inside the classroom. Due to some other activities, I was delayed in filling my forms. I was the only one left still writing.

He knocked at the door. I looked at him and I smiled. It was obvious in the way he looked that he is prepared to go home already. Nevertheless, I asked him if he could accompany me for awhile. He was apologetic as he said he cannot. 

It was the first time he ever declined a favor of mine.

I kept on filling up my forms. I admit I felt a little pinch of hurt in my heart.

I passed by my locker before I went home. I saw there a blue paper bag with a pink teddy bear and two inspirational books inside.

I told myself it was better that he went ahead of me. I don’t want him to see those stuffs that were given by somebody else.

I was thinking of putting the entire paper bag inside my backpack. He might still be outside. I don’t want him to see me carrying those stuffs. But they were way too big they cannot be contained inside.

I felt really anxious. What if he was still outside? What would he think if he sees me with that teddy bear? It’s no biggie but I don’t want him to think like I am interested to some other guy.


...

It was a long walk from our third floor classroom to the gate. It felt odd walking alone this time.

But I would be the girl who leaves before she is left behind. He changed his priorities, he said. Well I had a change of heart.