Last Na 'To

 ….I never thought that following my heart can be this difficult. I never thought that my limitations can be this narrow…..

There are a lot of things that I just cannot say directly. There are feelings I cannot just describe openly. There are questions I cannot inquire to anyone. There are thoughts that are bothering me, thoughts that no matter how I get hurt because of them, I just keep them to myself. 

                I have a lot of reasons why I refrain discussing my real feelings. First of all, I care to the people around me. I don’t want them to feel the burden I bear. I don’t want them to be involved in my struggles because I know they have their own difficult struggles too. Second, I don’t want to get disappointed by receiving insignificant or empty answers. Most of the time, when I ask certain people about effective things to do, I often get no response. And sometimes, if I get a response, it was not much helpful anyway. My guilt of having the friend bothered because of making him/her involved exceeds the benefit I get in soliciting from his/her opinion. 

                And lastly, I was used to fight alone. I was used not to cry in front of everyone, not even in front of my mother or siblings. I always keep myself look as if always in control of situations. They should never see me weak. They should never see my real weakness. I cannot afford being weak.

                But deep inside, I suffer. I cry silently, tearlessly. I always have instant advice for anyone for any situation. But I actually doubt where I am going. I am full of uncertainties. I doubt myself, my skill, my decisions, and my goal. No one ever told me what to do. And if I ask anyone, they just support what I had planned beforehand. 

                Until I met him, I had never been confident with my life and with my system of living. He is one person who seems to understand how I feel without me explaining to him. He seems to know the truth behind every laughter and smiles I portray. He knows how badly I may want something and he knows how badly I feel should I fail. 

He has the thrifty smiles that make me want to do things perfectly if possible. He is the only one person I see in the midst of the crowd. He is the only one I think about when I am away from home. He is the one person who made me appreciate my life and gave me courage to live life the way I want it, the way it pleases me. He taught me not to be afraid to make mistakes and to stand again whenever I fall. 

He helped me understand the beauty of living and the power of believing in love.

But of all the people I had acquainted with, he is the person I cannot just say the name. How I wish I can spell his name here and say thank you. Thank you for everything!!  I really tried to grow up so fast so that I can cope up with the way he comprehends things. I wanted to be mature so that when I share my thoughts to him, they would be wise and significant thoughts. 

And yes, he is the person who had hurt me the most yet the person who made me feel the most genuine happiness. I learned to claim my feelings and not be afraid or embarrassed that I feel them. I had learned to speak up my mind and never mind the consequences later. What is important is that I had reflected my every action to be right and that I take responsibility of them.

Anyway, the greatest thing I learned from him was to believe that each person has a heart—and when that heart is activated, the innate goodness of the person will show. No matter how unloving a person may seem, give a try to love him. Respect him because in reality, a person like that is a person who needs loving the most. 

Do not judge people. They don’t need your scrutinizing evaluation of them. They simply need your understanding, your respect, your love, and a little of your tolerance. Accept them, and when they are ready, tell them the things they may improve to make them better people. Have a supportive attitude towards them and always remind them to always choose to do what is right, what is proper, and what is good. Help them understand that genuine happiness is never selfish.

I have already accepted the reality that he won’t be a part of my future anymore. However, his influence in my life is too deep and too strong that his memory never fails to enter my mind every now and then.

And when his memory visits my mind, I do not feel regret or frustrations. Rather, I feel gratitude for having known a person like him. I guess it would be a sin to forget him.

Now, it seems that whenever I am in a dilemma, I would ask myself, “IF he was here, what would he do?” And suddenly, I know what to do. 

I guess, when someone had made your heart smile and had made yourself strong, you would never forget the way he did it. And wherever you are, even if that person is no longer with you, your heart will always be smiling and you will always be strong.