Stronger

But when I walked into my bedroom and studied my reflection in the mirror on my closet door, I looked suddenly unfamiliar to myself. I stood straighter, blinked less, watched more. Even I could see there was some wisdom in my eyes that hadn't been there before.

Reverse LOve

love.

You can talk about love and all its forms. You can dissect love and talk about it in reverse. Yeah, I get it. You've been in relationships a lot of times already, you know how to produce "chemistry", you know what women look for in a guy, you know how to create relationships and then destroy them, you've been there. And you keep on saying you still want to be there. You inspire people to fall in love, to fall in love again, and to trust other people, to take the risk, to take the leap, to give love a chance.

But then, look at me.

I didn't noticed it but somehow, I became a reflection of you. When you're in the game for so long, you become a player too. This is how I knew that I don't want someone like you. I don't want something like the one we had. You are the reverse of what should be my ideal. I don't know yet what I want but I'm sure it's the opposite of whatever you are.

Do not blame me if I ended up with this kind of resolution. You know very well what we went through. I'm glad and thankful that after everything, we are still here. We're still friends. However, we should know better than to do undiscerned actions like going dumb again by trying to act more than friends. We tried that. It didn't work. And after all this time, it seems none of us truly desire to make the other significant.

So don't tell me to hold you. Don't make me stay. Don't ask me to kiss you. Don't kiss me too. This part is not for me. It's not for you. I mean, we both want a happy ending. Only you don't want it with me. And I think that for my part, it should not also be with you.

Love..

I will decide how I will remember you. I intended you to be a happy memory.

I cannot definitely define what Love is. Most of the time I do not even understand it. I convince myself that I am only here for equity like if you treat me good, I will do the same to you. Or maybe more. Love seems to be so huge like the universe that I cannot even begin to imagine where it begins and where it ends. It is impossibly vague and incomprehensible and I truly hate it when I cannot understand something. But this I know: Love is a beautiful thing.

Sometimes it is Love with the wrong person. Or love at the wrong time. Or it is the wrong kind of love at all. But what makes us think it is "love"? Or that there is love in it? It was love because in the process, or when you are with that person, in that certain moment of time, you were happy. Not just a superficial happiness but really, the kind of happiness that makes you feel that it is just you and that person and nothing else matters and  yet it seems that you are at the center of the universe and the heavens are conspiring to make you the most contented, satisfied and happy person. It seems like for the first time, everything makes sense. For the first time, somebody accepts you for who you are and who you are not, like somebody believes in you and respects you so much, like you feel safe in his arms or you feel extra possessive and protective of that fragile body next to you, and everything around you suddenly become more glorious and light. The stars are beautiful, the sunset is beautiful, the sound and the smell of the rain is beautiful, he/she is beautiful, everything is beautiful.

I don't know if this is love. But I am able to write this right now because well, Love.

The Guy In Love: Lover No More

This is for the wonderful guy in SC 4. You may or may not disclose his identity but we all know how he amuses the people in our circle. Or how our (me and him) seasonal conversation would amuse you, people. I just feel like I wanted to document it here because I know I would like to remember this forever.

They said guys are just simple creatures. Well, he is as simple as a guy could be. He is extremely down-to-earth. If he appreciates something, he says it. If he finds something repelling, he says it too. We are not really that close then but one day I started a conversation with him and that's how this all begun. He told me then that he had a girlfriend just recently. He willingly narrated to me how they met, how he courted her, and just how amazing the girl is. 


She is a very simple girl and I kind of expected that because like I said, he is a laid-back kind of guy. He added that the girl is a bit "boyish" and it gives him the impression that she is not weakly and overly sensitive like most girls are. That she looks really pretty even in just her t-shirt. That she is morena but he always prefer morena anyway. And that the girl is living and studying far away. 

She's My Perfect Girl


Him: So tell me. What should I do to make her happy?
Me: It's simple. Know what she likes and give it to her.
Him: What she likes? Like give her flowers?
Me: Maybe. But not every girl likes flowers. Know her interests. Tell me, what are the things she likes?
Him: She knows how to cook, she is still studying, she can play basketball..
Me: No, not just that. Not just the things she does but also the things she wants. Like me. I like to read. I love books. So, what is her kind of music? Does she prefer going outdoors or just watch movies in bed?
Him: I don't know.
Me: You don't know? Do you even know her favorite color? Or her birthday?
Him: I don't know about that too.
Me: Wow. That's sad. Things like that are usually important to girls.
Him: Do you want guys to know your favorite color and birthday?
Me: Not that I mind. I don't usually tell them upfront. I wait for them to ask. And it's very rare that somebody would ask. I mean, they're petty things. But if a guy cares to know small details like that, it's big deal.
Him: Right. I should ask her. So, generally, what do girls like?
Me: The usual stuff. Be loyal. Be sincere. Make her feel appreciated. Which reminds me, you're LDR right? 
Him: Yes.
Me: So, how do you cope up?
Him: What do you mean?
Me: Maybe you should text or call her often. A "good morning", "I love you", or "I miss you" message everyday would mean so much.
Him: I don't do that. She knows I love her anyway so why should I tell her about that all the time?
Me: You have to not just to remind her but to convince her that you do. You do not stop the chase when she said "yes". Otherwise, it'll be like you're just taking her for granted. Nobody wants to be taken for granted. 
Him: Wow. Girls are so demanding.
Me: It's not being demanding. It's us finding a "difference". I mean, with the things you said, I could infer that she
is a strong and independent woman, right?
Him: Yes, she is.
Me: And you are her first boyfriend. You see, she could survive with or without you. She had been living like that for a long time. She does not need you to do things for her. She just need you to be there. She has to know, or feel, that it makes sense letting you in her life. Make a difference not necessarily by changing her but by making her feel that this time, she would he happier. Do I make sense?
Him: I understand. Wow. You know so much.
Me: Lol. It's just common sense. I mean, she could wait a little longer for a "better" guy. Or she could leave you and find somebody else. But she chose you. She believed in you. You should at least respect that. Make her feel she made the right decision. Believe me, if she's really into you, she will do the same. Or much more.



Months later though, I learned that they broke up.

Somebody Broke My Heart

Him: I'm immature.
Me: Wait, did she told you that?
Him: She didn't. I just feel I am.
Me: And why?
Him: I'm just not emotionally prepared to be in a relationship.
Me: Oh. Tell me what happened.
Him: I don't know. All I know is that if you will find a girlfriend, you should not love her so much.
Me: That doesn't sound right. What's the point of all that if you won't love her that much?
Him: Don't get me wrong. I know what love is. I'd been in love. But it does not feel like that now.
Me: What do you mean?
Him: I just want to feel.. scared. Like if I see her, I shiver inside. Like I have so much to say to her but when I see
her, I forget how to speak. Like I want to do things with her but when she's with me, I cannot move. There's something.. There's something about her like she does not do anything at all but her smile is enough to make my day.
Me: You had a girl like that?
Him: Yes! My first girlfriend. She was perfect. Or so I thought she was. She's really pretty. No, she's beautiful. She's very kind. She's even a sacristan. She's a perfect girl but then.. but then..
Me: But then?
Him: I have this standard and she fitted in perfectly but she did something that made it so low.
Me: Like what?
Him: She.. She.. I saw her kissing her ex-boyfriend! Now tell me. Why is that?! Tell me!!
Me: Maybe it's not her who is the problem. Maybe it's the situation.
Him: No! She's the problem! why would she do that?! It's her ex already. I was a good boyfriend. I'm in varsity. I'm smart too. And that guy.. Why would she be with a guy like that?!
Me: You feel like she just underestimated you?
Him: Yes! 
Me: Like she cheated on you, betrayed you, and just used you?
Him: Exactly! And I thought she was a good girl but I was so wrong!
Me: And that you're the better guy but she chose the other one instead?
Him: Yes! Why would girls go out with bad guys?
Me: You see, I have standards too. I don't like guys who smoke. But what if I fell in love with this guy and later 
I realized he smokes? Would I just move on and forget about him 'coz anyway, he does not fit in with my standard? What if I tell you that no one is perfect? We all have imperfections and dark sides. I will love him more than his imperfections. But no, I will not tolerate him. However, I will not leave him. We will work together to make each other better persons. I cannot demand that he stop smoking. But if he cares for me, he will try to quit. It's about compromise. It's about giving the other one a chance. And unless you find someone really worth the shot, you would give up so easily. Don't be scared to give your all. Take the risk. You'll never know unless you try. 
Him: I'm not scared. It's just that nobody really reach my standards.
Me: Maybe it's not your standards. Maybe you're just being careful this time. Like if a girl could reach your standards, it means that girl has less potential of hurting you. And you're mad coz your first gf chose the "bad guy". Well, maybe she does not see him that way. Or maybe, she can see him more than what is labeled about him. You see, us girls, we don't really care about your accomplishments, your IQ, or the things you can do. Sometimes it's about how you can make us feel. If she loved him despite his "dark side', then I think there's something great in it. 
Him: Still I would not give my all. I loved once and look what happened? I will not do it again. 
Me: Just because you're hurt once does not mean you have the right to hurt other people too. In fact, it should even motivate you to treat other people better. I mean, you've been hurt and you know how bad it feels. Don't make other people feel bad like that. 
Him: But what she did was unfair! I didn't deserved that.
Me: Instead of being bitter to everybody, why not reward all the good things to somebody?
Him: What do you mean?
Me: For instance. There were guys who broke my heart too. You know, things that would make me sad. But no, I won't toy with anybody's feelings. I won't stop loving. I would continue to improve myself so that when the "right guy" comes, I'll also be worth it. I'll treat him really good it's like I'm telling the "other guys" that if they only treated me well, they'll be king like him. Do you get the picture?
Him: Yes. 


The teacher arrived with the test papers so we have to cut our "talk". Nevertheless, I'd like to tell him that..
Some people are worth the second chance. Or the third. Or the fourth. Or all the chances in the world. But some are better
not led on from the start. And it's not just about finding the right person. It's about being the right person. And
"goodbye's" don't have to be bitter or sad. Sometimes we need spaces to grow. And sometimes, we are better with other people.
We are still young. Take your time. Beautiful things take time to build. Goodluck!

To end this, I want to clarify his stereotype on girls.
I Hate You. I mean, I hate girls like you.

Him: You always post sexy photos in FB.
Me: I wasn't aware of that. They were not intended to come out "sexy". Maybe it's just you who finds them like that.
Him: No. You have pictures with your back exposed.
Me: Well at least it's just my back. Others have their boobies popped up.
Him: Still it's flesh. You know, Ramon Bautista said that a true Filipina should be covered up.
Me: So I'm not a Filipina?
Him: You still are. But girls should not be slutty.
Me: So I am slutty?
Him: No. But I still prefer girls who just wear t-shirts.
Me: I'm sorry I don't wear t-shirts like that.
Him: I like girls who are simple too. No make-up.
Me: I can't survive without my lipstick so yeah.
Him: But you're still pretty without your make-up.
Me: Uhm, thank you? But can't you see.. I am the total opposite of your "ideal" girl but it's me that you get to talk to with almost anything. You hate girls like me but you're here so whatever.
Him: Yes but you still have sexy photos.
Me: Look at me. Do I look slutty?
Him: No.
Me: Do I act slutty?
Him: No.
Me: Do you see me flirting with just anybody?
Him: You sweet-talk me. 
Me: Lol. I never did. We're friends talking about your obstacles in life.
Him: Yeah right. I was just kidding.
Me: See? My point is, do not judge a girl by the way she looks. I mean, you're kinda retarded but I still make friends 
with you. Haha
Him: I'm not retarded!
Me: Yeah. You're just an extremely intelligent guy who does not have common sense. Fair enough.

Ghost in my Closet

Recently, I run to a question: 
If you are given 24 hours to spend however you want, and money is not a concern, what would you do?

Sleep. My instant answer was sleep.

I paused for 3 seconds, became aware that my answer may not be enough to satisfy the huge possibilities that the question may offer. I tried to think "average". If I were a normal person, what would I do?

Hmm. Think again.

24 hours of self-indulgence for FREE.
Think again.
Maybe go to Disneyland?
Or a Caribbean holiday?
Shopping in Paris?
Or hunt ghost castles in Denmark?
Denmark. Denmark.

No. I still want to sleep.
Sleep.
Cuddle in bed.
My bed. That bed. That room. That place.
Make absurd ghost hunting strategies in that bed.
Someone will laugh on my ideas but I don't care.
I'm going to hunt ghosts and I know I'm not going there alone.
I will talk about ghosts until I fall asleep.

How fast things changed.
I said I won't count because it's harder to let go that way.
So, I won't remind myself that for 19 months, things were different.

It's amazing how people can just walk away like that.
We used to talk about ghosts and now, he's just a ghost himself.
It only shows how little they truly care all this time.
Or maybe, they just care too much on something else.

To call it love is an overstatement.
I just know it was able to lift people high enough and make them change their minds midway.
It's threatening how people can make something look so magical and yet fake at the same time.

Coffee Thoughts

It's 2 pm and I'm in a coffee shop, alone, thinking what if you were here right now, with me. 

 You won't allow me to sit in front of you. You want us to sit right next to each other. So you either ask me to sit beside you or, in times when I want to play stubborn and refuse to do so, you would sit next to me.

 You would wrap your arm around my waist. Instinctively, I would lean on your shoulder. Or you chest.

Every now and then, you would look at me, or hold my chin up.

I would know then what is coming. I would close my eyes and we would kiss.

 You would hold my hand. Entwine the fingers. Or squeeze them a bit. Sometimes I wonder just how many hands had you held. I just fight the thought away.

 Sometimes, when I see you standing a meter or two away from me, I would walk towards you and wrap my arms around you. I try to fit myself with you like a lego, or a jigsaw puzzle.

As if you are the missing part of me and hugging you would make me feel complete.

Yes, I don't only feel safe with you. I feel... complete.

 We would take turns embracing each other.

But my favorite is when you would hug me from behind really tight so I can hear your heartbeat.

You make me feel alive.

 I would go wherever you would take me.

And if only I could forget the world, I would do everything for you. In all forms. In all corners of the town.

I would kiss you like you ask me to-- like I mean it.

I would let you kiss me without me holding back, without me pulling off a little, without me gently pushing you away.

 But we know each other so much already that we can't help but to keep our guards up.

You have shown enough to convince myself that you're as warm as the summer. Well, you're only summer. I need all seasons in my life-- the cold winter, the gloomy fall, the hopeful spring.

I have lived enough to know that I will be alright without you.

 So here I am. Waiting for somebody else to fill your place.

Like I said, I'm not mad or sad. At least not anymore.

I will use love to make me a better person. 

I mean, by showing me what is not, I knew what it is.

This thing between us, it's not it.

Doors Closed

I remember those nights when I would crawl to your bed.

talking all night and talk more till early morn.

watching movies over and over again because there are parts I can't move on.

pouring mango juice in champagne glasses and spilling them everywhere.

My point is...

you didn't have to close the door so hard

you should have just talked to me instead of leaving notes on my desk.

you missed my 20th and forgot the 19th.

you must have been really busy 'coz it took you awhile to say "sorry".

Well, I did something great today and I wish you were the first to know.

I miss having dinner with you.

I still have thousands of complain why life is unfair and you should hear them out,

and unlike what you think, I do get sad too.

I told myself then that I'll burn this place just to keep us warm.

now I have to reconstruct a lot of things 'coz every step that I'm about to take from here,

you're supposed to be in it.

the silence here is too much already it is telling me that either you or me won't make it.

I'd rather be out here totally than spending sleepless nights waiting when to hear a knock on the door.

I've packed up my things and I'm returning you the key.

and maybe you'll say that for someone like me, this is just another ordinary day.

however, maybe this time, it's not just about me.

you're holding back 'coz you're chasing so hard your priority--

that makes you just another face in history.