this is not art. this is pure chat.

This is about Kimmy.

Part I: The Other Side

CAUTION: Emotional content.

Definition:

Emotional – you are highly expected to restrain yourself from feeling upset, frustrated, or mad as I exercise my human right to be awkward.

A year ago, I was asked to reveal some unusual facts about you. But because I am an extremely shy person, and totally unprepared for the sudden task, I ended up giving a lame chronicle. So now, well, I need you to forgive me because I’ll be messing big time here.

That girl is you. During our sophomore year. As second year high school students, we both want to grow tallllllllllller. Once, you leaned on the blackboard and marked your height. You drew more horizontal marks above it. Then you exclaimed, “I want to grow one inch everyday!”

We skipped the flag ceremony and hid at the locker section in the fourth floor. But the prayerful (if you know what I mean :P)  librarian caught us. She gave us a curious look. It’s a good thing that the election was coming and so we told her that we were actually discussing about our platforms. Of course, she won’t buy that. 

Sometimes, you would intentional skip your ride. Together with other students, you were supposed to be fetched by that van. Those moments, we would sit on the grasses, scribble on our notebooks, and wait for the sunset. I would occasionally pick amorseco stalks and you would call me a goat.

One crazy afternoon, we decided to do something dumb. A poster was posted on our door. It was actually a collage of class photos. Our class adviser’s face was everywhere. We played “treasure hunting” and either marked an “X”or crushed her face. The class was in dilemma afterwards. She cried and decided to quit teaching. Two of our male classmates were accused as the convicts and everybody was so convinced it was them who did the crime. Both of us were just silent. Let's just say it was part of our absurd way of growing up.

And yes, how could I miss that part. We were young and in love. Remember? We make code names, right? Do you remember that incident? We make code names, that’s all. End. Haha. Just kidding. Just let me say this once, okay? Just once.  

You did something brave and it’s worth it.

Part II: Commitment Freak

The sisters and teachers were getting frustrated because it’s already late and no one yet is filing for presidency. There was a little tension between us because it seems that both of us do not want to take the position. Being the president of the student council entails some really great responsibility. I could not take the thought of being tied on something so huge. In the end, you took the position and me, the vice.

Such role allocation dilemma occurred again. All the positions for the school paper were occupied already except for the Editor and Associate Editor. Again, both of us do not want to be the Editor-in-Chief. We were sitting on the opposite side of the room and not talking. Then, you pointed a finger on me and exclaimed that I am unfair. I'm not sure but I think you left the room after saying that.

Yeah, I am unfair because you already took the burden of being the student council president and now, I am throwing another burden to you—being the Editor-in-Chief. The directress/principle and moderator talked to us. In the end, I ended as the Associate Editor. Sorry for that. Again, it was too heavy for me to take. I don’t want to be tied down on anything.

I guess I carried this attitude on my relationship with people too. I want convenience-- the kind that I can just freely do anything I want and shun away whatever disturbs my peace of mind.
I want companions-- the kind that I can just conveniently drag anywhere, anytime. But I don’t want commitments. It smothers me to be tied on anything or anyone. I had a hard time keeping people not just because I am being left behind but because most of the time, I push them away.

You witnessed it during our annual recollections. When we are told to approach the person we hurt or had hurt us, somebody would come to me. That person is usually in tears, asking me what went wrong and why I suddenly left. I would just stare at the person coldly. I wouldn’t say anything. I won’t explain. I won’t give them any hug or even a pat on the shoulder. This happens all the time and I did not do anything to be better.


Then you came.

Even you are convinced that I am a cold person. I gather people and when I think they are becoming so emotional already, I leave them. I am not an ideal friend. But despite that, you accepted me and respected me. I am grateful for that.

It was not a love-at-first-sight for us. You have a bestfriend already. But yours had a wrong turn. And me? Nanana. Maybe we just found each other to be somehow in a similar situation. Or maybe we just have exceptionally high tolerance on people and manage to endure each other. Whatever that is, I just suddenly found myself texting you one sophomore night. We talked about love stuffs. You “find it funny” to think that studies and romance cannot go together. Smart people fall in love too.

My instinct was to give you a label so that I can keep you. What should I call you? Sister-friend? Bestfriend? BFF? But I was hesitant. You might not accept it. And if you would, I doubt if I could keep a commitment. I'm not a good keeper. I can't take care people well enough.

But we became good friends. Up until now, I can make you listen to my childish whims. Somehow, we still try to do the things we used to do. The things we wanted, we still want them though there may be some modifications, right?  We still have each other’s back though I am the one needing most of the time. 
 

Part III: Trip to South Korea

Back on our high school days, we made a covenant to visit South Korea someday. We would hunt down our Korean stars and do a lot of crazy stuffs there. Well you should know that I really don’t mind whether it's South Korea or not. Anywhere would be fine. I just want to travel with you.

Anyway, you’ll be spending one fall trimester there this September. Seems like you’re going there ahead of me. And for that, I have the right to demand for pasalubong. You already promised me that but still I think it's necessary to remind you about it.

If there is one sincere thing I would ask you, I want you to truly enjoy your stay there. I know how badly you want to go to far, far places, to experience new culture, mingle to different kinds of people, indulge to unusual food, tread on foreign streets, and listen and converge in other language. Take your time. Have fun!

Maybe someday, the two of us will visit South Korea together. S-O-U-T-H-K-O-R-E-A. But at that time, you won’t be as excited as me anymore. Really, we’ll go there someday just because I want to wear high-heeled boots, pink mini skirt, and purple stockings without being branded as awkward-looking.

Have a safe journey. And when you get there, keep in touch, ok? You know I need somebody to bug sometimes.

Part IV: Message

“I thought I was the only one, but then, you came.” (Ibarra, 2007)
 

Remember that line? Those words appear so powerful to me that up until now, when I get to read them, memories come rushing and I suddenly have the urge to get sentimental. Suddenly, my left hand felt occupied, just like when we were holding each other’s hand as we walk together. Just like when the two of us were at the backstage while the world is so busy with its technical and routinary standards of living. It had always been an awkward moment for me. But then, it felt nice being with you.

You are a free spirit. You know that.

When I said that I am confident that wherever you go, whatever you want to accomplish, and whatever will become of you, you will still end up a wonderful person… that’s true.

When I said I would be your friend forever, that’s true too. I know I am not a reliable person when it comes to committing myself for a long time but sincerely, I mean it. 

As I tried to analyze you and your significance in my life, I ended up writing this:

"You always act strong and in control. I can just leave you alone because you can handle things on your own. I can just let go of your hand when we held, I can just not hug you, I can just not inquire about the hard moments of your life. You’re too strong that I just took you for granted. And I thought that as long as I’m willing to be treated the same way, it’s fine."

You're a survivor. You're reliable. Despite that, I wanted to be one of the people to take care of you. However, in the end, it was me who always needed help. Haha. Maybe we don't really have to do great things. We don't really have to be always together. We don't have to talk/text all the time. But we know we have each other. The confidence to claim that somewhere out there, a soul believes in me, I think that's enough to feel fulfilled.

As you said, we have doors that are shouting not to be opened. We respected that part of us. For the monsters we are facing, for the dreams that are yet being constructed, for the love that is yet to come, and for this relationship we have that is so spontaneous it seems natural that up until now,distance is immaterial, this, my friend, is called destiny. Actually, I just related it from a movie. Remember My Sassy Girl? It said that destiny is reaching out to the other person. I guess that's what we do. No matter were we are, I know we can still find some itsy-bitsy space to entertain each other.


Take care! :)