Tonight

Every time I pull the strings, the universe makes sure to pull everything apart. For what greater joke is there than to disappoint the most anticipating heart. Next time I would pretend to be not so excited. I'll tell my mind that no, I don't miss him. I'll quit mentally listing the things I want to do. Maybe I could cheat the universe that way. You know, make my plans work and leave two hearts happy.

But good thing I'm bone stubborn. I'm Wendy. You're my lost boy and I'll take you with me somewhere in Neverland. Welcome, baby.

You

You believe in God and I believe in you. I worship you.

I Color You Blue

"He was just an ending, not the end." -Lang Leav

I read a piece about losing the one you love. I don't know why but I ended up writing about what happened when he came back.

All I did was self-defense.

He walked away once and I made sure I won't be the one left behind again. So when he came back and I let him in, I gave him my lips but not my heart. I let him take me to places but I also became more resolved to where I want and do not want to be. Sometimes we walk side-by-side with me tip-toe-ing every now and then to kiss his cheek. Sometimes I tell him to follow me. When he doesn't, I still go my way whether I'm on my own or with somebody else.

All I did was self-defense.

I don't want my heart to be shattered again by the feeling of loss, betrayal, or abandonment. I learned that it's easier to leave before I am left behind than to force myself to remember the good times just so I'll have reasons to stay. I know he would be waiting for me anyway no matter how far I go away from him. And if he starts walking away too, well he left before and what happened was that I survived. He's just a little goodbye.

All I did was self-defense.

I have a pretty dress in my closet and I'll wear it on our date. But should he change his mind, I'll still wear it anyway. I'll never cut my hair short especially on days that I am most frustrated by him. If the urge hits me, I'll ignore his texts and calls until I reach chapter 5 or 7 of the recent book I'm devouring. I would quit reading between the lines. I would quit hunting for red flags. They only make me unhappy. I'll just enjoy the good times with him and go have fun somewhere else when he is being toxic.

All I did was self-defense.

There will be days that he'll be mad at me but I won't apologize. Some girls play hard to get just to tease their males. Me? My luggage I hid under the bed is ready and in 5 minutes, I can book myself to a wonderful place 4 hours away from him. My departure won't be the kind that I regret it and come back to him instead. No. Thing is, I like him. I know he knows that. But I learned to love myself too.

Brave

 I feel exposed. Naked. Raw. As if the walls I've built for years are finally falling down. I feel vulnerable but this is a good kind of freedom.

I Miss You So Much It's A Physical Ache

My body belongs to you. You should know that by now.
Please take frequent and excessive advantage of it.
Mark every inch of my skin with your kiss.
I am a territory for you to explore.
Let your hands tread the aching grounds from my throat to between my thighs.
I will tell you how far you can go. Which is infinite.
You show me how deep you can be. Which is too much. And I want it.

I am your prisoner caught inside your embrace.
Pin me down harder and I will cling tighter unto you.
Defile me in a passionate way.
Take me the way you always do-- demanding, consuming, without holding back.
Go on. I can take it. I am strong like you.
I need this as much as you do. 

Between shallow breaths and trembling kisses, you would look at me.
In your eyes I could see raw desire,
fierce anticipation and vulnerability combined.
It's so intimate I feel helpless.
It's so beautiful it breaks my heart.
Take your fill, baby. I got you too.

You Make Me Vulnerable And I Like It

Since I was young, I already conditioned myself to not get too attached on anything. Even when I sleep, I only have one pillow. Some days I don't even have a pillow at all. I don't want any extra pillow or teddy bear to hug or wrap my legs on while I sleep. Sometimes I even kick my one pillow (and blanket) out of bed. That's how much I don't want anything near me.

And then you came. I never held anything so close to my chest but you. Sometimes you complain how I sort of push you away when you try to trail feather-like kisses on my lips. I'm sorry. I want to give myself to you but it's hard to break my walls all at once.

But you've been patient. We went slow all these years but remarkably progressive. I realize how naturally our bodies fit together. The safest, warmest, and happiest place is inside your embrace. It makes me alive to hear and feel your heartbeat. I want your arms, your chest, your shoulders, your neck. I never held anything or anyone so tight like I do to you. You're the only one I want to be with.

I Don't Miss You Anymore

I have a theory. I will feel better if I spill out my thoughts here right now.

So, for starters, I don't miss you anymore.

I don't miss you anymore. I'm sure of that. But I also have other thoughts. You. Me. In bed. My lipstick smeared on your shirt. My hair all over your chest. My hands under your shirt, roaming your body. My arms wrapped around your waist while I bury my face on your neck. My hands on your hair, grabbing them, pulling you closer. Us, kissing. Kiss me deep. please. Let me taste your mouth, your tongue, let me trace the outline of your lips. Kiss me hard. Kiss me till it hurts. Pull me closer. Hold me tight. Embrace me. Touch me. Taste me. Devour me. Unleash the demon in me because it belongs to you. It's yours. I'm yours. All of me, take me.

And after, let me wake up in your warm embrace. Kiss me gently on my forehead. Hold me and never let go.

I want to hold you but I don't want commitment. How do I reconcile this? Oh yes. I don't miss you anymore. I should not miss you.