Move

Maybe Freedom is a state of mind. Or maybe some place you go far from here. Maybe it's an escape two blocks and one closed door away. It's tolerance, harmony, and respect combined. It's when the people you care about, they know you for who you really are because it's okay for them when you show them. It's when they love what you do and love the ones you love too.

You are not the only who is scared right now. You are not the only one who is anxious of leaving home. There is comfort at home. No, not just the food, bed, and conveniene of everything. Here, it's safe. Here, you don't have to prove anything. Here, you don't have to try so hard. Here, you're free.

But we don't belong here. At least, not anymore. There is another world waiting for us out there. We cannot ignore that world. That is our reality. Not that we cannot do anything about it but we signed up for this one way or another. All this time, we worked for it, building it brick by brick. And there's no turning bak now. It demands that we finish what we started. It is waiting for us. When our goal learned that we are on our way towards it, it started running towards us.

Life will never be the same. We will never be the same. We may do things differently but we will do them. Things will get harder and we will become stronger. It may take time but we will get there.

So fasten up, big girl. Armour yourself. It's gonna be a battle out there. It won't be easy but you were made to survive. Persevere. Go on. Move on. Head high. Contain yourself. You are on your way into becoming a masterpiece.

Don't think about the people around you. You don't have to compete with anyone. Don't let them get you. I won't. You'll get there. One day at a time. One step at a time. One brick at a time. Do this for him. For them. And above all, for yourself. Play in your mind over and over again the kind of future you want. It's worth it. So, now, move.

Don't feel. I mean, don't get too emotional on almost anything. Don't waste your time over-thinking unnecessary things. You have a goal. You are capable. You are intelligent. You are worth it. You can make it. This time, it's yours. This time is yours.

You Can Let Go Now

"Sometimes, letting go is a good thing." This is what my friend said while watching Titanic. She was referring at the part where a couple just accepted the fact that they cannot survive the tragedy no matter what. They gave up trying and instead, they just held each other and faced together whatever will happen next.

Letting go is a good thing. I know that. I believe that. When you get to the point where you know it's not going anywhere anyway, you have to quit already. When he had said it so clearly that you are not the girl who will sweep him off his feet, and when you had told him that he is everything that you don't want in a man, then there's no point lingering to each other. You are each other's passing phase, an experiment among the many, a stepping stone to self-discovery and growth, and a friend in a relationship that only you two can define.

Yes, he's been in your life for a long time already. Through distance and time, you were able to sustain whatever relationship you have. But it's simple: you're either in or you're out. There's no in-between. You cannot invest emotionally. When you talk about your long-term plans, both of you are not in each other's future.

It was good while it last. Some really good thing happen in our life and  nobody else has to know. He's one of those good things. I know you did your part to stay away from him. There was also a time when you realized you cannot do it on your own, that you cannot let go on your own. But it wasn't enough. You needed to hear from him that he does not want you, that it's better for him to forget you, and that he wants you to go away. But you never heard him say these things. In fact, he always reaches out. And you were always too willing to accept him all the time. Well, you have to stop now. Do this for yourself. You don't deserve him. You don't deserve someone who will only be there for the "fun". You deserve someone who could actually imagine you growing old with him. You deserve someone who will be there for you forever. Someone who will take care of your heart and only your heart.

Mother Nature,

There's no point talking to you. You'll never understand. All you care about is winning every argument. Not everything is about you and your bullshit pride. For so long I wanted to tell you the places I've been, the people I've met, and the things I've been through. But you only want to hear good news. I'm not always good news. I make mistakes, I'm clumsy, I get scared, I get sick, I make plans but sometimes they fail. So, keep a picture-perfect of me in your mind. Constantly remind me how I should have been. Compare me to people who were able to make it. But that's not me.

I respect you. I have plans for you too. And I really want to show you what I really am but you're not ready for disappointments yet.

No Labels Please

Do you really need to put a label on everything? Can't it be just about two friends catching up? Do you really need to draw a line? Do I really need to cross that line?

You said we should rather forget each other because we are not each other's destiny anyway. Does it really have to be that way? Well, it is not the first time you said that. I truly hope that this time, you mean it. Forget about me then. Delete my number. Whatever makes you feel better, do it. I understand that sometimes, you just cannot  afford to keep someone who is, well, hurting you.

I'm sorry I put you through this. I've constantly put you through this for many years already. I did my part for you to not hate me much. But I guess, sometimes, there is no compromise. I am either in or I am out. You do not want to keep me if I am only to be a friend. Thank you for the years of friendship. I will always be  grateful to you for a lot of things. 

Take care, my friend. I hope your attempt to forget me would finally work this time.

Stronger

But when I walked into my bedroom and studied my reflection in the mirror on my closet door, I looked suddenly unfamiliar to myself. I stood straighter, blinked less, watched more. Even I could see there was some wisdom in my eyes that hadn't been there before.

Reverse LOve

love.

You can talk about love and all its forms. You can dissect love and talk about it in reverse. Yeah, I get it. You've been in relationships a lot of times already, you know how to produce "chemistry", you know what women look for in a guy, you know how to create relationships and then destroy them, you've been there. And you keep on saying you still want to be there. You inspire people to fall in love, to fall in love again, and to trust other people, to take the risk, to take the leap, to give love a chance.

But then, look at me.

I didn't noticed it but somehow, I became a reflection of you. When you're in the game for so long, you become a player too. This is how I knew that I don't want someone like you. I don't want something like the one we had. You are the reverse of what should be my ideal. I don't know yet what I want but I'm sure it's the opposite of whatever you are.

Do not blame me if I ended up with this kind of resolution. You know very well what we went through. I'm glad and thankful that after everything, we are still here. We're still friends. However, we should know better than to do undiscerned actions like going dumb again by trying to act more than friends. We tried that. It didn't work. And after all this time, it seems none of us truly desire to make the other significant.

So don't tell me to hold you. Don't make me stay. Don't ask me to kiss you. Don't kiss me too. This part is not for me. It's not for you. I mean, we both want a happy ending. Only you don't want it with me. And I think that for my part, it should not also be with you.

Love..

I will decide how I will remember you. I intended you to be a happy memory.

I cannot definitely define what Love is. Most of the time I do not even understand it. I convince myself that I am only here for equity like if you treat me good, I will do the same to you. Or maybe more. Love seems to be so huge like the universe that I cannot even begin to imagine where it begins and where it ends. It is impossibly vague and incomprehensible and I truly hate it when I cannot understand something. But this I know: Love is a beautiful thing.

Sometimes it is Love with the wrong person. Or love at the wrong time. Or it is the wrong kind of love at all. But what makes us think it is "love"? Or that there is love in it? It was love because in the process, or when you are with that person, in that certain moment of time, you were happy. Not just a superficial happiness but really, the kind of happiness that makes you feel that it is just you and that person and nothing else matters and  yet it seems that you are at the center of the universe and the heavens are conspiring to make you the most contented, satisfied and happy person. It seems like for the first time, everything makes sense. For the first time, somebody accepts you for who you are and who you are not, like somebody believes in you and respects you so much, like you feel safe in his arms or you feel extra possessive and protective of that fragile body next to you, and everything around you suddenly become more glorious and light. The stars are beautiful, the sunset is beautiful, the sound and the smell of the rain is beautiful, he/she is beautiful, everything is beautiful.

I don't know if this is love. But I am able to write this right now because well, Love.