Brave

 I feel exposed. Naked. Raw. As if the walls I've built for years are finally falling down. I feel vulnerable but this is a good kind of freedom.

I Miss You So Much It's A Physical Ache

My body belongs to you. You should know that by now.
Please take frequent and excessive advantage of it.
Mark every inch of my skin with your kiss.
I am a territory for you to explore.
Let your hands tread the aching grounds from my throat to between my thighs.
I will tell you how far you can go. Which is infinite.
You show me how deep you can be. Which is too much. And I want it.

I am your prisoner caught inside your embrace.
Pin me down harder and I will cling tighter unto you.
Defile me in a passionate way.
Take me the way you always do-- demanding, consuming, without holding back.
Go on. I can take it. I am strong like you.
I need this as much as you do. 

Between shallow breaths and trembling kisses, you would look at me.
In your eyes I could see raw desire,
fierce anticipation and vulnerability combined.
It's so intimate I feel helpless.
It's so beautiful it breaks my heart.
Take your fill, baby. I got you too.

You Make Me Vulnerable And I Like It

Since I was young, I already conditioned myself to not get too attached on anything. Even when I sleep, I only have one pillow. Some days I don't even have a pillow at all. I don't want any extra pillow or teddy bear to hug or wrap my legs on while I sleep. Sometimes I even kick my one pillow (and blanket) out of bed. That's how much I don't want anything near me.

And then you came. I never held anything so close to my chest but you. Sometimes you complain how I sort of push you away when you try to trail feather-like kisses on my lips. I'm sorry. I want to give myself to you but it's hard to break my walls all at once.

But you've been patient. We went slow all these years but remarkably progressive. I realize how naturally our bodies fit together. The safest, warmest, and happiest place is inside your embrace. It makes me alive to hear and feel your heartbeat. I want your arms, your chest, your shoulders, your neck. I never held anything or anyone so tight like I do to you. You're the only one I want to be with.

I Don't Miss You Anymore

I have a theory. I will feel better if I spill out my thoughts here right now.

So, for starters, I don't miss you anymore.

I don't miss you anymore. I'm sure of that. But I also have other thoughts. You. Me. In bed. My lipstick smeared on your shirt. My hair all over your chest. My hands under your shirt, roaming your body. My arms wrapped around your waist while I bury my face on your neck. My hands on your hair, grabbing them, pulling you closer. Us, kissing. Kiss me deep. please. Let me taste your mouth, your tongue, let me trace the outline of your lips. Kiss me hard. Kiss me till it hurts. Pull me closer. Hold me tight. Embrace me. Touch me. Taste me. Devour me. Unleash the demon in me because it belongs to you. It's yours. I'm yours. All of me, take me.

And after, let me wake up in your warm embrace. Kiss me gently on my forehead. Hold me and never let go.

I want to hold you but I don't want commitment. How do I reconcile this? Oh yes. I don't miss you anymore. I should not miss you.

Shine

They told me to find someone whose demons play well with mine.

No. I will find someone who will bring out the angel in me.

Dear Awkward Penguin,

                You always want to go to places and so do I so I wonder, if we're constantly moving how do we get to cross our path? You want to camp out and make s'mores and I like that too but I don't really mind being in bed whole day watching movies with a tub of ice cream and apple slices. You want to take the last bus going home but I don't really trust an empty bus but that won't be a problem because you won't mind sleeping on the terminal bench and as long as I have a good book with me and a cup of coffee I'd do the same. 

              I'm just glad that after all the clumsy things I did and the people I squeezed in to my tiny self, you still wendang2 me. And I'd like to give you an actual 'fox hat' but I'm reminded of how you repossessed the socks that were supposed to be mine so I have to exhaustively think it over. I want you to open up your heart and fall in love for real but that's funny because you actually already love a lot of things already. And what do I know about love? I mean, you have a big, big heart and there's room for more and I know that no matter how you deny it, I'm in there too. You can report this post as "harassing" now.

Chicken Fillet Thoughts

We are both dysfunctional right now. I don't know if it's a good idea that we are together. But at moments like this, it is someone like you who I truly need-- someone who can totally understand what I'm going through because you yourself is in the same exact disposition.

This is a sensitive time of my life right now. Forgive me if you think I am being too complicated. Even I do not know how to handle this. I only tell myself that I can do this, that this will pass, that things will be fine. I'll be okay. 

But for now, I am a mess though you tell me it does not show. Thank you for being there for me. I will work this out. I will settle this. It may take time but I'll be fine.